What My World's Like

Stunted growth?


I just found a post that I wrote almost exactly three years ago so the fact that it still speaks so poignantly about my life makes me sick.  Really, really sick.

rule #1: never believe your own hype. 

whatever this currently applies to, apply it to life in general.  delusion isn’t the best state to operate in, and what’s worse is to be self-deluded.  it’s not that i don’t have problems; i just don’t focus on them…to the extent that i’m not even aware of what they are.  it’s not that i’m so together that i can’t think of negative things to say about myself; i’m just not consistently conscious of the improvements i should make.  self-absorbed and self-unaware, a paradox that isn’t all that uncommon.i conveniently devise philosophies that make my desired state appear real.  i’m not confused; i’m a wanderer.  my priorities aren’t out of order; i’m doing something different.  euphemisms aside…who am i fooling?  which is real?  and is that a matter of choice? i don’t know what i’m doing next because i don’t know what to do.  i suffer extensively from fear-based indecision.  despite an alleged renouncing of fatalistic behavior, i’m waiting on all the right signs.  when everything aligns itself just so, i’ll move accordingly.  until then, i’ll pass the time making plans that’ll never come to fruition.  i’ve made a personal hobby out of planning the future, and have become quite the salesperson…i always believe my pitch and i’m always shocked when others don’t.  i’d be that friend talking you into some stupid scam, but never actually victimized myself because i got hip to something else before personally taking action…that same thing over and over again.  that’s me with my life’s plans.  lucky me, i have support, which i’m presently wearing down, but nonetheless exists.at the heart of the matter lies a new and improved confusion.  how to undo self-obliviousness?  write a book about that and get back to me. 

So where’s the growth? What have I learned and/or accomplished in the last three years that sets me apart from the person that wrote this then?  I fear that the answer is “very little” and that’s why I find myself at 25 still lost and empty-handed.  Well, 25 was always a landmark year for me in my mind.  A lot’s supposed to happen this year.  I won’t say what, but I will say that if this post is as relevant to my life in one year as it is this year and was three years ago when it was composed…I don’t even want to think about it.

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