Shut out of my bail out.

“Good morning, sir. Welcome to Bank Till of America. How can I help you?”

“I need some money.”

“OK, for what purposes?”

“My family has gotten behind in our bills — no mismanagement, you understand, but just some hard times. You see, my wife just got laid off, two of our three children had unexpected illnesses that weren’t fully covered by our health insurance. Gas and food prices are escalating, and it’s getting harder for us to make our mortgage payments. We’re not extravagant, mind you, but we do need some help.”

“So are you asking for a loan, sir?”

“We need a bailout, ma’am.”

“I’m sorry, eh, as I look at your information, Mr. Cue — Jonathan Cue, is it? — but based on your resources, we’re not able to give you a loan.”

“Ma’am, I don’t want a loan, I want a bailout.”

“I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t understand.”

“A bailout. I want the same deal you gave to those people in the news, that Fannie Mae woman, that Freddie Mac fellow, the Bear Stearns dude and the Notorious AIG.”

“Sir, those are mortgage lending giants, banks and insurance companies, and the bailout given to them was essential to the American economy.”

“I understand. And the bailout I want you to give me is essential to my family’s economy.”

“Sir, but without the assistance we give to them, the ramifications would be disastrous for Wall Street and the Fortune 500 companies.”

“Ma’am, without the assistance I need you to give me, the ramifications would be disastrous to Main Street, Elm Street, Guadalupe Street as well as to the unfortunate millions I keep company with.”

“I’m sorry, sir, we can’t help you.”

“But you helped them.”

“That’s different.”


“Because you weren’t irresponsible with billions of dollars and they were irresponsible with billions of dollars; therefore, we must give them billions of dollars more.”


“I know it makes no sense, but that’s high finance for you.”

“OK, ma’am, I was trying to be reasonable but since that won’t work, I’m through asking for a bailout.”


“Just give me my money, no questions asked.”


“My money. The cash you’re using to help Fannie, Freddie and all the other Capitalism Is Great When I’m Making Billions But Socialist Is Greater When I’m Losing Billions folk. That’s my money, right?”

“Yes, but … ”

“I read where this $700 billion bailout is going to cost every American about $2,300. Is that right?”

“Yes, but … ”

“And about $6,000 per household, right?”

“Yes, but … ”

“And the national debt costs each American about $30,000 and each taxpayer about $67,000 right.”

“Yes, but … ”

“Me and my wife are due $134,000 on the national debt, $6,000 on the bailout. Just give us $140,000 right now and we’ll call it even.”

“Sir, I’m sorry. That’s just not possible.”

“So you’re not going to do for me what you did for Fannie Mae?”

“No, sir.”

“What if my mother’s name is Annie Mae?”

“No, sir.”

“What if I sing the Bee Gees’ ‘Fanny Be Tender (With My Love)?’”

“No, sir.”

“And you’re not going to give me the same deal you gave Freddie Mac?”

“No, sir.”

“What if I did a Bernie Mac impersonation? God bless his soul.”

“No, sir.”

“What if I hummed the theme song from Fred MacMurray’s ‘My Three Sons?’”

“No, sir.”

“Well, will you do me one favor?”

“What’s that sir?”

“Next time you use my money for a bailout or to raise the debt, money that I never saw and didn’t know I had, could you at least let me hold it for a couple of hours?”

By Cary Clack


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