Hurt, concealing and dealing. Just barely. In conversations about the true nature of humans, I always mention how hurt–and yet to be healed–people are. Hurt people hurt people. It’s really simple, but recovering from the mix of all that suffering isn’t, apparently.
Recently, I’ve been facing pain from the past by, first, honoring that it even exists and how it’s made me feel. With pen in hand, I made a long list of resentments I’ve been carrying for decades. It wasn’t a short list, but there was something mildly cathartic about just getting it out. It was important to not bring up this seething anger without neutralizing it somehow. After I finished my list (is it ever really finished?), I started thinking of potential reasons that would cause someone to choose the actions that led to my being hurt. In this case, I knew some of the actual reasons, which made it easier to construct reasons for behaviors I hadn’t previously examined, such as depression, insecurity, fear, recreating patterns, etc.
There’s an important distinction between “you hurt me” and “your actions hurt me.” Going through this process, I’m beginning to see that most of the pain caused is unintentional and probably quite unrelated to the person who was hurt. Many people act in a very careless and unthoughtful manner, often projecting their pains, insecurities, fears, etc. on others. The person who is hurt frequently interprets these projections as evidence that something is wrong with them, when in fact, something is likely to be “wrong”, as in not healed, with the person whose actions hurt them. Hurt people hurt people.
I’m slowly making my way down the list, determining possible psychologies behind my trangressor’s actions. Doing this humanizes the other person for me and allows me to see the unnecessary pain I’ve been causing myself by continuing to internalize problems that aren’t even mine, and never were.
Along with creating ‘why’s’, I decided to find the good. Surprise, surprise. 🙂 There were upsides. Even if all you can say is “I can relate to people who are going through or went through what I did,” there is an upside. Believing in purpose is my saving grace.
All we need is love. Repair yourself.
Stevie Wonder – “Love’s In Need of Love”
Photo source: Madalina Iordache-Levy