What My World's Like

the beauty of bald.

Jul
20

Approximately six years ago, I relaxed my hair for the last time. It was the day before my graduation and wearing my hair natural had been on my mind for several months, as I could no longer justify putting a dangerous chemical directly on my head to straighten my hair for aesthetic purposes while actively seeking to eat organic foods; it was a silly contradiction and I immediately understood it as such.

Almost a year later, I cut off the relaxed ends and wound up wearing a teeny weeny afro that I initially hated. Nothing was wrong with it per se, I just thought my curls would be looser, bigger, more flowing. I wanted my hair to be longer than it was. There were times I’d look in the mirror and cry: what had I done? Why did I do this? Yet, there was such a strong knowing that I was at the point of no return; my last relaxer was the last relaxer. “I’m undergoing a paradigm shift,” I’d tell myself when I needed comforting.

When you begin to wear your hair the way it grows out of your head after years of manipulating it to specifically do otherwise, you’re suddenly confronted with your ideas about beauty in general, your individual beauty, and your people’s beauty.

Many women consider it to be a quasi spiritual experience, and, honestly, that’s no exaggeration. It’s a reawakening. To yourself. To your beauty. To your ancestry. To healthy self-esteem.

Six years ago, I had this reawakening.

Recently, after a failed attempt at growing out my hair from what was, to date, the best hairstyle of my life, I decided to completely shave all my hair off. On an impulse.

I immediately mourned the loss of my hair, even as I was cutting it. My sister watched, astonished, while championing what she considered to be bravery, although I didn’t feel like I had any other option. “I just don’t think I’m cute enough to pull this off,” I told her.

Despite the many compliments tossed my way — “I love it!” “Leandra?! You look stunning.” — I felt pretty insecure. Before, I had my face plus really cool hair. Now, I just had my face. Initially, I wore more makeup than usual, and always wore it. I would say, “I don’t want to look like a little boy,” but really I just didn’t think I was attractive enough to successfully be without hair. I wanted it to be. I wanted to look in the mirror and have that instant knowing of “this is me.” That moment never came for me.

What did come was an understanding that I was about to become really familiar with my face. Because I was uncomfortable, I knew I had to settle into the discomfort and feel it out. Really, what other choice do you have when you shave your head? It’ll grow back, yes, but it takes time. In the meantime, you can attempt to overcompensate or you can decide to get comfortable. I chose the latter.

I’ve returned to wearing my usual amount of makeup, which consists of mascara, and maybe subtle eye shadow and/or eye liner. The darker my hair got, the more I liked it and while I still have yet to have the “this is me” feeling, I know I’m getting there without developing anymore complexes regarding my looks.

The most recent epiphany I had regarding my hair came this past weekend when my love suggested I brush my hair, instead of my usual “do nothing to it wash and go” routine. To demonstrate his point, he brushed it, only for me to confirm not liking how brushing made my hair a teeny weeny afro.

I reflected it on it more and more. Why didn’t I like it?

In a moment of pure honesty, my answer was something like “I look too black.”

Uh oh.

That right there let me know I was in trouble. Too black meaning really African, which I’m a descendant of…so what does that mean?

It means even though I was natural, even though I’d began to accept the aesthetics of natural African/African-American hair, I still have some work to do. Everything isn’t for everyone, and I understand that I don’t have to accept every natural look on myself as proof of healthy self-esteem. However, I think self-acceptance is critical to healthy self-esteem and while I may opt not to go after a particular style, strong resistance is a barometer to guage my self-comfort. I don’t have to brush my hair, but if I refuse to, I should look at that.

It’s been a month and it’s still just me and my face, now with a teeny bit of hair. I’m excited about working with and taking care of my hair all over again. Once again, it feels like a reawakening and my life is reflecting that major change.

If you’ve recently cut your hair or embarking upon so soon, realize the opportunity it presents to you to love yourself even more. Being without hair is an opportunity to embrace how you look–now. It’s when we feel most insecure that we require our own bravery to not succumb to using crutches that will only cause more problems down the line. It’s a reawakening. A new beginning of sorts. An opportunity to connect. To yourself. To your beauty. To your people.

That’s how I’ve chosen to use this period.

6 Responses to the beauty of bald.

  1. good for you leandra! i shaved my head several years ago and it truly was the most liberating thing. since then i’ve felt more free with my hair, and i know that i can do whatever i want with it, whenever i want.

    i actually decided to relax it again about a year or so ago, and people nearly had a fit. people want you to fit in a box, but i’ve decided that the only person with power over the hair that grows out of my head is me. booya.

    at any rate, i’m going natural again. less so out of aesthetics, and more to save money 🙂

  2. This is such a beautiful post! I recently cut my hair off again, LOL. But this is the shortest it’s ever been and I am too becoming familiar with my face and connecting to myself, my beauty and my ancestry. Thank you for sharing your journey.

  3. Wowzers-thank you for sharing Lee. I go through the same set of feelings when I cut off my facial hair. I’ve said to myself many a time “I just look weird” or some other form of I dont feel attractive statement. should one little mustache make that much of a difference? For some reason it does. Perhaps I need to allow myself to become comfortable with my face regardless of what fuzz is there or not.

  4. The real you is always better than the fake someone else. And that what my natural hair journey was about. Defining,learning and loving the REAL me. And i started off with a brush cut after a bad perm and was forced to accept and embrace me. But I agree it was the most liberating thing. People hide behind hair as a form of beauty, or to mask all other flaws in a sense. And when you take the crutch away what is left to lean on.

  5. @paris, hair especially for those of african descent is an extremely touchy issue. there’s so much deprogramming yet to do that passions are definitely incited. i remember seeing your hair natural and thought it was beautiful. i remember it straight and thought it was beautiful too. nonetheless, i’m excited you’re going natural again. 🙂

    @pntszdinFluence, best wishes on the journey! 🙂 it’s a beautiful struggle.

    @eric, this is so interesting. i’m always extremely curious about the experiences men have with self-esteem and self-acceptance, especially as it relates to body and beauty. i’m definitely kind of hardcore in my approach: “oh, you’re uncomfortable? stay there til you’re not.” i think you’re right: you should allow yourself to be comfortable with your face regardless of the length of the folicles flowing from your skin. as i mentioned in the article, i think we should get to the point of self-acceptance and self-satisfaction that our aesthetic choices really are preferences and not set in stone requirements. however, (how) is this different than, say, a piece of clothing or style of dress, you’re adamantly opposed to wearing?

    @MsAnkhQueen, i definitely echo the good you took from your journey. some of us do hide behind hair, but it’s impossible when you have none. i find myself continually expanding my ideas of beauty, and i love the process. 🙂

  6. Man, you take self reflection to the highest degree. I am trying to get there.
    I cut all my hair off last july and had like 1/4 in of hair.
    Its growing back now, long and strong, but i think i only want it back for the wrong reasons…
    …now I gotta go reflect :\

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