Comments on: Being helpful and setting boundaries http://www.whatmyworldslike.com/blog/2009/03/being-helpful-and-setting-boundaries/ find the good. be inspired. Wed, 18 Jan 2012 17:43:55 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: Zufash http://www.whatmyworldslike.com/blog/2009/03/being-helpful-and-setting-boundaries/comment-page-1/#comment-1701 Zufash Sat, 12 Feb 2011 18:18:03 +0000 http://www.whatmyworldslike.com/blog/?p=967#comment-1701 Thank you for these wonderful reminders and words of advice! We do need to be reminded every once in a while not to take things personally. Thank you for these wonderful reminders and words of advice! We do need to be reminded every once in a while not to take things personally.

]]> By: Jessica Mann http://www.whatmyworldslike.com/blog/2009/03/being-helpful-and-setting-boundaries/comment-page-1/#comment-475 Jessica Mann Wed, 25 Mar 2009 18:40:43 +0000 http://www.whatmyworldslike.com/blog/?p=967#comment-475 Leandra, I just read through your mothers post, and she definitely had some excellent points. At one point above, you said in regards to the girl not wanting your advice on exercise, "she needs the advice and I could be an excellent resource for her." The fact you said, she "needs" your advice stood out to me upon first reading your blog. And I too, have felt that people "need" to know or "should" know something because it will only be beneficial to them. However, it's really the question of, does he/she actually WANT your advice. Approach is definitely key too as your mother mentioned. If she's bigger or heavier then you as I think you alluded to, then she may have already had insecurities about weight and diet, and was finally talking the steps to do something about it, only to have you shut her down (in her mind). This is all hypothetical because I don't know her and I wasn't there, and not by any means to make you feel badly for what happened... but reading what you wrote, and being that we have similar personalities when it comes to wanting to help and "educate" others in areas we have done ample research in, I see that that in some cases, our knowledge can sometimes blind us or be harmful more then helpful. You bring up some excellent points, and I agree 100%. Especially with #1 because it is hard NOT to take someones rejection of your advice, personally. I think that's why we get so angry when people don't agree with what we are saying, our knowledge can make us riotous; then we get mad because we feel, how dare he/she not see things the way I see them, I know I'm right! I actually had a girl I went to HS with, message me recently and ask me what my "secret" was, because I'm in such "good shape". She was in a contest to lose weight and actually asked for my advice. I gave her straight forward answers, first mentioning, there is NO SECRET, you have to put in hard work and be disciplined to see results. I gave her some excellent info regarding nutrition and exercise, and told her to research the subject to better understand and implement it. She wrote back, saying she would start working out 5 days instead of only 3 days a week. Out of ALL the info I gave her, that's all she took. One sentence out of my 5 paragraphs, lol. Made me think about what your mother said, "I stopped because I felt I had enough on my plate and that I was no longer in the convincing business"... At the end of the day, you're right, people have to learn for themselves, truly. And even when they do ask for your advice, usually they are only going to take what they WANT to hear and leave the rest. But if we place the mirror before ourselves, we're all like that. Because if any of us were good advice TAKERS, we wouldn't find ourselves making some of the mistakes we've been warned of through advice given by those who have, "been there, done that, got the t-shit" lol. Listening truly is key... and just like your mom said, we have to choose our battles wisely, because sometimes, it's just not worth the time and energy, to help someone figure out what they don't truly and wholeheartedly want to know in the first place. Leandra, I just read through your mothers post, and she definitely had some excellent points. At one point above, you said in regards to the girl not wanting your advice on exercise, “she needs the advice and I could be an excellent resource for her.” The fact you said, she “needs” your advice stood out to me upon first reading your blog. And I too, have felt that people “need” to know or “should” know something because it will only be beneficial to them.
However, it’s really the question of, does he/she actually WANT your advice. Approach is definitely key too as your mother mentioned. If she’s bigger or heavier then you as I think you alluded to, then she may have already had insecurities about weight and diet, and was finally talking the steps to do something about it, only to have you shut her down (in her mind).
This is all hypothetical because I don’t know her and I wasn’t there, and not by any means to make you feel badly for what happened… but reading what you wrote, and being that we have similar personalities when it comes to wanting to help and “educate” others in areas we have done ample research in, I see that that in some cases, our knowledge can sometimes blind us or be harmful more then helpful.
You bring up some excellent points, and I agree 100%. Especially with #1 because it is hard NOT to take someones rejection of your advice, personally. I think that’s why we get so angry when people don’t agree with what we are saying, our knowledge can make us riotous; then we get mad because we feel, how dare he/she not see things the way I see them, I know I’m right!
I actually had a girl I went to HS with, message me recently and ask me what my “secret” was, because I’m in such “good shape”. She was in a contest to lose weight and actually asked for my advice. I gave her straight forward answers, first mentioning, there is NO SECRET, you have to put in hard work and be disciplined to see results. I gave her some excellent info regarding nutrition and exercise, and told her to research the subject to better understand and implement it. She wrote back, saying she would start working out 5 days instead of only 3 days a week. Out of ALL the info I gave her, that’s all she took. One sentence out of my 5 paragraphs, lol. Made me think about what your mother said, “I stopped because I felt I had enough on my plate and that I was no longer in the convincing business”…
At the end of the day, you’re right, people have to learn for themselves, truly. And even when they do ask for your advice, usually they are only going to take what they WANT to hear and leave the rest.
But if we place the mirror before ourselves, we’re all like that. Because if any of us were good advice TAKERS, we wouldn’t find ourselves making some of the mistakes we’ve been warned of through advice given by those who have, “been there, done that, got the t-shit” lol. Listening truly is key… and just like your mom said, we have to choose our battles wisely, because sometimes, it’s just not worth the time and energy, to help someone figure out what they don’t truly and wholeheartedly want to know in the first place.

]]> By: Denise Williams http://www.whatmyworldslike.com/blog/2009/03/being-helpful-and-setting-boundaries/comment-page-1/#comment-472 Denise Williams Wed, 25 Mar 2009 00:17:50 +0000 http://www.whatmyworldslike.com/blog/?p=967#comment-472 Leandra, you tagged me on this message, so I assume you wanted a comment. I have a great appreciation for everything has been said here, but I do want to make a few notes. First, mistakes as they are often referred are simply learning curves. I mean, how do you know what you don't know until you make a step that provides you with the less than desired results. We also measure where we should be based upon what we see or read; but who is the authority to dictate where you should be in your life? I mean who rights this stuff and what is their source of measurement....experience or theory? We are not all using the same operating sytem, we don't all have the same starting point, thereby everyone's utility will not be the same. As someone who has lived, I am sure, many years beyond most of you, you live and learn. Leandra, as you know, I have been one to offer my opinion quite generously, I have learned not to and I just got that lesson a few years ago. I stopped because I felt I had enough on my plate and that I was no longer in the convincing business; however, that most certainly is not to say, that if I saw a friend or just someone on the street walking into traffic and they were blinded by their own preoccupation that I would not warn them. I don't think I would want the 'blood on my hands' for not sharing pertinent information because someone else was too narrow to accept the insight. Additionally, often it is not what is said, but how, when, and around whom it is presented. No one likes to feel inadequate, such as the case of you attempting to impart to this young lady about exercising when there was someone else in the room to overhear the conversation. Perhaps a note would have sufficed. Okay, now you didn't ask me for my opinion or direction, but as a natural leader, I would be less than who I am if I did not; furthermore, as your mother, that still remains my duty. Something to understand: some folk are in relationships for benefits, very few are in them for responsibility. Choose your battles wisely. (Wisdom comes from knowing, by doing, by being). Much love and respect, Mom Leandra, you tagged me on this message, so I assume you wanted a comment. I have a great appreciation for everything has been said here, but I do want to make a few notes. First, mistakes as they are often referred are simply learning curves. I mean, how do you know what you don’t know until you make a step that provides you with the less than desired results. We also measure where we should be based upon what we see or read; but who is the authority to dictate where you should be in your life? I mean who rights this stuff and what is their source of measurement….experience or theory? We are not all using the same operating sytem, we don’t all have the same starting point, thereby everyone’s utility will not be the same. As someone who has lived, I am sure, many years beyond most of you, you live and learn. Leandra, as you know, I have been one to offer my opinion quite generously, I have learned not to and I just got that lesson a few years ago. I stopped because I felt I had enough on my plate and that I was no longer in the convincing business; however, that most certainly is not to say, that if I saw a friend or just someone on the street walking into traffic and they were blinded by their own preoccupation that I would not warn them. I don’t think I would want the ‘blood on my hands’ for not sharing pertinent information because someone else was too narrow to accept the insight. Additionally, often it is not what is said, but how, when, and around whom it is presented. No one likes to feel inadequate, such as the case of you attempting to impart to this young lady about exercising when there was someone else in the room to overhear the conversation. Perhaps a note would have sufficed. Okay, now you didn’t ask me for my opinion or direction, but as a natural leader, I would be less than who I am if I did not; furthermore, as your mother, that still remains my duty. Something to understand: some folk are in relationships for benefits, very few are in them for responsibility. Choose your battles wisely. (Wisdom comes from knowing, by doing, by being). Much love and respect, Mom

]]> By: Antoinette http://www.whatmyworldslike.com/blog/2009/03/being-helpful-and-setting-boundaries/comment-page-1/#comment-470 Antoinette Tue, 24 Mar 2009 14:58:57 +0000 http://www.whatmyworldslike.com/blog/?p=967#comment-470 This is my first time reading and I enjoyed it. I think out of every life experience and interaction, a lesson can be learned. Your interaction taught me that people often times don't mean to reject me but they reject the knowledge that I bring. I have felt like I have been misunderstood my entire life. I hold so much passion for what I believe in that I want others to do the same. I am starting to realize the older I get that some mistakes are supposed to be made. Thanks for helping me believe that it's not always me! I can stop taking things so personally. This is my first time reading and I enjoyed it. I think out of every life experience and interaction, a lesson can be learned. Your interaction taught me that people often times don’t mean to reject me but they reject the knowledge that I bring.

I have felt like I have been misunderstood my entire life. I hold so much passion for what I believe in that I want others to do the same. I am starting to realize the older I get that some mistakes are supposed to be made.

Thanks for helping me believe that it’s not always me! I can stop taking things so personally.

]]> By: Leandra http://www.whatmyworldslike.com/blog/2009/03/being-helpful-and-setting-boundaries/comment-page-1/#comment-467 Leandra Mon, 23 Mar 2009 14:49:44 +0000 http://www.whatmyworldslike.com/blog/?p=967#comment-467 I like how you turn specific errors into professional development for all. That's really intelligent for the reason you highlighted and because now <i>everyone</i> learns from that "mistake" without knowing that anything specifically "wrong" by one person initiated the training. Brilliant. You're dead on about the respect though. Respect is a major key in discerning what advice, if any, you take. I like to think that I'm kind of open-minded (note the "kind of" because I know I can be stubborn too) in that I like adding new ideas to my arsenal. If the situation were the other way around, I may not have listened to her, but I would've definitely done my own research after our conversation. There are a lot of people who take advice from anyone they think may have more information than them. Think about the spread of personal trainers before there were accrediting institutions. As long as you were "in shape," you could tell someone what you'd done and you were "qualified." I would've taken my advice to consider it. For anyone out there, considering a 2 hour workout regimen. If you are not a celebrity or trying to be a fitness model, you will find that such an approach is <b>incredibly</b> taxing on your body. You will need a minimum of 8 hours of sleep, and might find that you actually need about 9. If you don't support those efforts with a complementary diet, then all your work is for naught. Just be smart and sensible. I've been there, done that. After a few weeks, 2 hours at the gym becomes a drain and you realize there's more to life. If you want to lose weight, then take a holistic approach. It's not just about what you do to your body, or what you eat, but BOTH. There's also an emotional and psychological approach that needs to be taken for long-term success, considering on your weight-loss goals. I like how you turn specific errors into professional development for all. That’s really intelligent for the reason you highlighted and because now everyone learns from that “mistake” without knowing that anything specifically “wrong” by one person initiated the training. Brilliant.

You’re dead on about the respect though. Respect is a major key in discerning what advice, if any, you take.

I like to think that I’m kind of open-minded (note the “kind of” because I know I can be stubborn too) in that I like adding new ideas to my arsenal. If the situation were the other way around, I may not have listened to her, but I would’ve definitely done my own research after our conversation.

There are a lot of people who take advice from anyone they think may have more information than them. Think about the spread of personal trainers before there were accrediting institutions. As long as you were “in shape,” you could tell someone what you’d done and you were “qualified.”

I would’ve taken my advice to consider it.

For anyone out there, considering a 2 hour workout regimen. If you are not a celebrity or trying to be a fitness model, you will find that such an approach is incredibly taxing on your body. You will need a minimum of 8 hours of sleep, and might find that you actually need about 9. If you don’t support those efforts with a complementary diet, then all your work is for naught.

Just be smart and sensible. I’ve been there, done that. After a few weeks, 2 hours at the gym becomes a drain and you realize there’s more to life. If you want to lose weight, then take a holistic approach. It’s not just about what you do to your body, or what you eat, but BOTH. There’s also an emotional and psychological approach that needs to be taken for long-term success, considering on your weight-loss goals.

]]> By: Emina http://www.whatmyworldslike.com/blog/2009/03/being-helpful-and-setting-boundaries/comment-page-1/#comment-466 Emina Mon, 23 Mar 2009 14:37:17 +0000 http://www.whatmyworldslike.com/blog/?p=967#comment-466 Thank you for sharing your learning experience! I couldn't agree with you more - we often forget to keep our promises to ourselves and I personally feel very little pressure to do so; however, I would have a rain parade if I broke a promise to one of my friends. Why do we often fail to respect ourselves as much as we respect others? I struggle with that everyday as I do feel that "I" should be most respected within myself. I have to start remembering #2 as well... Thank you for sharing your learning experience! I couldn’t agree with you more – we often forget to keep our promises to ourselves and I personally feel very little pressure to do so; however, I would have a rain parade if I broke a promise to one of my friends.

Why do we often fail to respect ourselves as much as we respect others? I struggle with that everyday as I do feel that “I” should be most respected within myself.

I have to start remembering #2 as well…

]]> By: Speaks Beliefs http://www.whatmyworldslike.com/blog/2009/03/being-helpful-and-setting-boundaries/comment-page-1/#comment-465 Speaks Beliefs Mon, 23 Mar 2009 10:34:25 +0000 http://www.whatmyworldslike.com/blog/?p=967#comment-465 I often find it difficult to follow #1, but I'm getting better. Giving professional advice/suggestions to teachers is a part of my job description. In the past, if I found error in content delivery (content knowledge) or teaching practices, I would immediately jump in. I would observe the error, explain the error, and then back up my suggested correction with research. Always seemed to fall on deaf ears. "Why haven't they....?" or "Why do they ...?" were questions I often asked, when changes were not made, and always attributed the unchanged to a dislike of me or my words. The fist step for me was to step back and put myself in their shoes. Whether my advice was valid or invalid, I had to imagine how it would feel to listen to me. This makes it easier for me not to take the rejection of advice personally. Next, I tried a different approach. If I saw errors that were consistent, I would design professional learning for all teachers related to the change I needed to see, so the person(s) who needed it most would not feel anything directed at them specifically. This is more work on my part, but more successful, nonetheless. Next and most important for me was respect. I hadn't earned their respect. If I don't respect you, everything you say to me is just "blah, blah, blah." Why are they no different? This also takes longer, but once respect is earned, the transmittal and acceptance of suggestions is also much easier. I still cringe when I see something wrong, but now I use this as an opportunity to step away and reflect. Not always easy, but as I said in the beginning, I'm getting better. Thanks for sharing. #1: They are not rejecting me. Just my ideas. I try not to take it personally. I often find it difficult to follow #1, but I’m getting better. Giving professional advice/suggestions to teachers is a part of my job description. In the past, if I found error in content delivery (content knowledge) or teaching practices, I would immediately jump in. I would observe the error, explain the error, and then back up my suggested correction with research. Always seemed to fall on deaf ears. “Why haven’t they….?” or “Why do they …?” were questions I often asked, when changes were not made, and always attributed the unchanged to a dislike of me or my words. The fist step for me was to step back and put myself in their shoes. Whether my advice was valid or invalid, I had to imagine how it would feel to listen to me. This makes it easier for me not to take the rejection of advice personally. Next, I tried a different approach. If I saw errors that were consistent, I would design professional learning for all teachers related to the change I needed to see, so the person(s) who needed it most would not feel anything directed at them specifically. This is more work on my part, but more successful, nonetheless. Next and most important for me was respect. I hadn’t earned their respect. If I don’t respect you, everything you say to me is just “blah, blah, blah.” Why are they no different? This also takes longer, but once respect is earned, the transmittal and acceptance of suggestions is also much easier. I still cringe when I see something wrong, but now I use this as an opportunity to step away and reflect. Not always easy, but as I said in the beginning, I’m getting better.

Thanks for sharing.

#1: They are not rejecting me. Just my ideas. I try not to take it personally.

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