My music sharing friend, Rodrick, told me about Mara Hruby a while back. I downloaded the album, put it on my iPod and went about my business. Recently, I’ve been giving her EP, From Her Eyes a lot of play. She’s got a pretty voice and does well handling men’s songs. Looking forward to more Mara.

This Van Hunt cover, “Character”, asks a very important question we should all reflect on. Enjoy!

Mara Hruby – “Character”

Recently, I asked “do you talk about things that matter?” and today I experienced one of the most emotionally honest conversations I’ve ever had. Topics ranged from absentee fathers, sex, eating disorders, rape, molestation, relationships, education, socialization, etc. It was genuine, cathartic, comforting, inspiring and beautiful. So many times throughout the evening, I found myself smiling, feeling connected and understood as we discussed highly privatized events and feelings.

Sitting with this beautiful woman who spoke so candidly about her life, I felt inspired and reinvigorated, reminded that neither our stories nor our struggles are our own. We will all experience trials, intense pain, and loss. We will all walk with fears, insecurities, and moments of doubt. We will all struggle with some degree of feeling fragmented. These are inextricable parts of the human experience, but if you let pain harden your heart instead of soften it, you’ve missed the point.

As of two days ago, I made an important decision based upon a startling revelation. I’m ending the war with myself.

My #notetoself yesterday was:

While reflecting upon a previous relationship, it occurred to me that I was incredibly capable of accepting someone else as they are, accepting the imperfections of their personality and body. Yet, I was often unwilling to extend the same acceptance to myself. The love and care I generously gave to someone else is what I needed– but refused –to give to myself. That is, until two days ago.

My new motto now is “I love you still.” Even though I have a laundry list of things I’d like to “correct” about my thinking, behavior, or body, I say “I love you still.” Regardless of this factor or that factor, “I love you still.” If I can love another who is also “imperfect”, why deny myself the same qualities of love: acceptance, patience, and kindness?

In the past, scarcely, I’ve discussed having had an eating disorder, or as I prefer to say, disordered eating patterns. I discussed it on the now defunct We Think Radio two years ago, and briefly here last year, but never at length. After deciding to live more authentically with greater transparency, after once again agreeing that neither our stories nor our struggles are our own, after deciding to end the war with myself, and after my conversation tonight, I know I have to discuss this more. My evasiveness serves no one, including myself. While I can and often freely will admit I’ve experienced disordered eating, I can’t say I’m 100% shameless about it. But acceptance, patience, and kindness…I love myself still.

Honestly, I look forward to sharing this aspect of my journey in the future because I know someone will benefit from knowing– truly knowing –they’re not alone.

I urge you to think about your own journey and what you’re holding against yourself. Could you begin to let it go?

Image source

By the time I was twelve, I knew I wanted to be a traveler. Not a regional vacationer, but an around the world, “I’m onto my next passport” global citizen. Twelve must have been an important year, as I recall “knowing” a lot about myself then. At any rate, I wasn’t in the position to make such a desire reality.

Two and a half years ago, I made a big deal out of getting my passport. There was a sense of urgency, although I can’t recall why. Two and a half years later, that small ID booklet has served relatively no use for me. Until today.

After spending the weekend researching, I booked flights to Barcelona, Spain and Bologna, Italy. The picture above is supposed to be Barcelona. It looks like a vivid dream. In due time, I’ll let you know if it’s real.

Having finally taken the steps to realize this dream, I can’t help but to feel excited, anxious even. It’s as if I’m on the cusp of a very pivotal moment. I’m crossing the threshold, taking action to actualize my dreams.

The results of this tiny, yet major, step will only reveal itself in time, but I know the ramifications will be positive. So, attending my own lecture, I say to us: do something you’ve never done.

I’m going to Spain! I’m going to Italy! Yes!!!!

Before I even understood it as a psychological concept, I’ve been intrigued by shadows. As a child, I’d always look at them. Even as an adult, I’ve continued to find their value and entertainment.

Although I began to understand the importance of unearthing my self and my truth two years ago, my interest didn’t consciously shift from something part of the external world to part of the internal world until last year when I asked myself, “do you need to see the worst of yourself in order to be the best of yourself?”

That question prompted an interest in the shadow that I’m now ready to explore. It’s scary. It’s exciting. An intuitive feeling informs me that this is a special time in my life.

Carl Jung said, “People will do anything, no matter how absurd, to stop from facing their souls.” I believe it. It’s taken me almost a year to begin the journey and I can only strongly intend to maintain course, no matter how uncomfortable it gets.

To assist me, I’ve enlisted the help of author Debbie Ford’s classic The Dark Side of the Light Chasers: Reclaiming Your Power, Creativity, Brilliance, and Dreams. This book has been on my radar for a really long time, but only recently has it risen to the top of my “Must Read” list. When you’re ready, you’re ready and things will appear. I went to the bookstore for Aspire: Discovering Your Purpose Through the Power of Words and saw it.

I’m learning compassion towards myself as I seek integration on the path to congruency and authenticity. It occurred to me that we can either move towards ourselves or away from ourselves. Go with ourselves or against ourselves. By ignoring the shadow, I know I can’t be completely authentic. I can’t be completely congruent.

It’s time to look at myself, in sum total, honestly and lovingly. Time to truly “know thyself” or acknowledge thyself in whole. This self-integration process will undoubtedly lead to a more congruent, authentic life. Just having read the first chapter, I’m extremely hopeful that my journey with this book will improve my life. Maybe even convinced.

I’m kind of psyched. Care to join me? This journey is not for the faint of heart.

Be courageous.

“It’s winter. Hibernate. Go inside.”

This is how I think.

Therefore, I’m going inside.

On a train ride to work last week, I noticed how plugged-in I was. iPod. Blackberry. Kindle. Then, I looked up and realized how plugged-in almost everybody was, in some way.

There never seems to be enough time in the day, to the point that relaxation and doing absolutely nothing seem indulgent, even disgraceful. Always something to do, clean, cook, see, hear, taste, etc.

We’re always giving away our attention, often at our demise.

When’s the last time you were still and quiet? Alone with your thoughts and feelings, seeking the understand the dynamic interplay between the two? I can’t say. I try, but I’ve yet to make it a regular practice, a long-term, integrated part of my life.

Because I’ve yet to do so, I’m embarking upon a 21 day meditation challenge. It’s a guided meditation program offered by the Chopra Center that introduces listeners to several different types of meditations. Chiming in at about 15 minutes each, they’re short enough for me to easily incorporate into my day.

So 21 days of guided meditation. I’m also considering only listening to relaxing instrumental music or jazz. Both tend to calm me and cause me to think more about my life in relation to the feelings and thoughts the music evokes. Maybe there won’t be anymore waking up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, only to be slightly awakened by the hook of some song that’s otherwise great…but not at 6:30 in the morning when you’re half-awake.

Join me if you will. I’m turning 28 soon. I’ve been wanting to step away from other people’s energies and really dig into my own. It’s time to finally do this. If you’ve had a similar urge, I challenge you to take the plunge now. Three weeks, infinite rewards.

Pretty psyched.

—-

THIS JUST IN:

I typed this post in its entirety, as I have begun listening to the Chopra Center’s Winter 2010 21 Day Meditation Challenge. Right after submitting this post, I went to the Chopra Center site and found the registration for this year’s winter challenge. Instead of the original 21 days, I suppose I’ll be doing 30 by continuing with last year’s until this year’s begins. Sweet.

In striving to be the best version of myself possible, I’ve decided on the following:

Asking myself this throughout the day should keep me focused on being who I want to be and not who I’ve reflexively been. It’s time for a change.

Do you have a guiding question? Do you think there’s value in creating one? If so, can you challenge yourself to create one? What’s yours?

I’m different. I’ve always been different, always felt different, but didn’t always have peace with it. Sometimes I fought it, bumped heads with others because of it, and even embraced it. It’s a sordid past I share with it. As I matured, though, I began to appreciate the fact that I was different. I eventually found it odd that most of us spend so much of our youth trying to fit in before usually spending the rest of our lives trying to distinguish ourselves. After all, aren’t we all different?

My official occupation for the past five years should read “nomad”. I’ve lived in New York, Philadelphia, Chicago, San Antonio, St. Louis, and even in an L.A. suburb. Right now, I’m on my way to South Korea. Each line of my resume places me in a different state and/or in a different industry so it’s quite likely that most companies seeking a long-term employee will immediately discard it upon review despite my qualifications; it doesn’t exactly scream company loyalty. Here’s the thing: I’m okay with that. Why? Because I’m different. That fact is evidenced not just by my thought process, hairstyle, interests or style of dress; my journey and choices are highly reflective of my individuality. My path hasn’t always been easy or glamorous, but it has been true to my essence as a free spirit.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, here’s a little something else: you’re different, too. You have dreams you haven’t followed, thoughts you haven’t shared, passions you haven’t explored. In short, you have a life you haven’t lived.

I’ve received both criticism and praise for living my life the way I have. Some well-intentioned people have urged me to “settle down.” Some folks seeking company in their misery have urged me to “settle down.” Some onlookers have told me I inspire them. However, nothing I do is for the acceptance or condemnation of others, but simply because I have to live on my terms. I could certainly make more money as I do so, and have started taking a greater interest in being more future-focused in terms of my personal economy. Yet, I don’t have too many complaints about this random and unpredictable lifestyle I’ve embraced. This journey has taught and exposed me to a lot. I’ve embraced a sort of freedom some don’t experience until retirement. The money that’s supposed to come along with retirement has often been missing thus far, but I’ve developed a pretty strong will against recklessly using my inner prostitute. You have a prostitute, too. It works a job you hate, but the money’s good or at least regular. It exchanges your energies with others in unfulfilling ways to serve some end, but would really rather not in a perfect world. It gives away your time, money, intellect, integrity, word, or self altogether for some form of physical, emotional, or social security. It may have led you down a path you truly seek to escape.

According to Caroline Myss, the prostitute is one of the four survival archetypes active in all of our lives. Its goal is to develop and protect our self-esteem and self-respect, but it’s easy to misunderstand the lessons we experience through this archetype. The prostitute archetype has taught me that it’s much better to take less money and be in line with my core beliefs—even if it’s a lot less money. It’s highly unlikely I’ll be endorsing a traditional diamond or gold retailer or become the poster child for a pharmaceutical or fast-food company. I’m unwilling to compromise my beliefs about the lack of integrity these systems represent. Just as unlikely is my submission to the appeals to normalcy in the shape of a “normal” job, a “normal” life, or “normal” choices. Normal simply means common. Common isn’t different. I embrace my difference, which can frequently exist outside the consideration of “normal”. Still, I don’t condemn normalcy. If it works for you, great, but I’ve found that it actually doesn’t work for a lot of folks. What I do, however, condemn is the pressure or criticism those embracing norms subject to those who don’t—most especially by those who have yet to analyze their compliance.

Undoubtedly, you’ve been in situations that have revealed your prostitute—its strength or weakness. The key is to make it work for you. It’s in all of us, but that’s not to say it works the same for all of us. Let yours serve your highest good. Let it support your dreams, security, self-esteem and self-respect. Let it teach you that there’s more to life than money and social acceptance. Find the good in its lessons—even the difficult ones—then begin or continue to live in synch with your values, passions, and purposes.

————
To read more about what’s considered the four survival archetypes, read this synopsis from Caroline Myss’ Sacred Contracts.

In light of Wednesday’s question, the concept of the shadow has reigned heavy on my mind. So far, it’s had a mildly profound effect on me. As I learn more about it and truly begin the process of self-integration, I’m anticipating benefits of even greater profundity.

For the benefit of helping others in this process of self-development, I’m including some links on the shadow so we can learn together, if you’re so inclined.

• From his book, No Boundary: Eastern and Western Approaches to Personal Growth, Ken Wilber includes an enlightening summary of the shadow.
• Self-integration through meditation

I’m looking for something on the shadow and/or self-integration (or personality integration) within an African or indigenous framework, so if anyone should happen upon something, please share. In the meantime, I found this article detailing a simple journaling exercise with some pretty good questions.

I’d really like to hear about people’s thoughts and experiences with shadow work. It’s interesting stuff.

Please consider the following: do you need to see the worst of yourself in order to be the best of yourself?

I woke up today and remembered a dream that I have frequently. I dream about someone that mattered to me and was taken from me. And that dream got me to thinking about ‘value’. As I look around me and the world we live in, a lot of our values are distorted.

The way in which we judge our significant others, our friends, and the people we choose to entertain, is taken very lightly. It saddens me. While it is not uncommon anymore to see a woman with a man just for his finances, what about when they run out? The same can be said about a man for a woman. Many people place value on things that are not constant and everlasting. I’m not about to give you the paddy cake riddle that ‘It’s what’s on the inside that counts’.

Allow me to go deeper.

Since I was a child, I was always very observant of people and my surroundings. I stare. I dream. I imagine. I began a game with myself for fun that I would imagine everyone I know, in an assembly line as long as it could go filled with people I know. They all are lined up, naked, bald, and void of all material possessions. If we could see the people around us in this way, it would allow us to see what we really like/dislike about the person.

Take for instance, the “Good Hair” phenomenon. How many men and women would not be as aesthetically pleasing to you if it were not for their clothes, hair, and make up?

What about Tyrone? He hits on you every time you see him at Roscoe’s. You turn your nose at him simply because ‘he looks like he cannot even purchase a meal’. Why can’t you be his friend?

Sure, he’s simply a waiter (as far as you can see)… But what if Tyrone came into $30 Million dollars and started driving a Lamborghini to his part time job at Roscoe’s? Is that when you’d decide to finally give him your number and get to know him?

Or do you take a chance on Tyrone and find out that Tyrone is a lot more than what he appears to be on the outside?

Allow me to flip it.

So you’re dating Renee’. She’s beautiful on the outside. Her parents are wealthy, and by association so is she. She never needs anything from you financially. And you enjoy being around her because of the attention you get to be on the arm of a beautiful woman. Do you enjoy Renee’s conversation? If she were to undergo surgery that destroyed her good looks, would you still find yourself with her? Be honest. Not with me, with yourself.

John is a successful basketball player about to sign a major contract. Would you still be his girlfriend if he had not been scouted that day? If he was still playing street ball at the neighborhood park and working at Best Buy, would he still have the same value to you?

I performed an experiment a month ago. I went shopping yet was dressed in sweats, and tennis shoes. Nothing fancy. I purposely made myself look simple to see whom would help me in the clothing stores I went to. I had plenty of money to purchase anything that I wanted. And out of 6 stores, it was the last store that finally decided to not take me at face value. I asked people for help in each of the stores. I told them what I was looking for and was treated as if I was a bother. The last saleswoman helped me and I explained to her my story.

This weekend I went to the same stores, but I was dressed in clothing that made more of statement. I made it a point to simply walk in the stores that I went in before. I was thoroughly responded to…

How many people pass up potential over the basis of material possessions?

And who are you putting up with based on what they have?

My point:
You cannot obtain success by sitting in the lap of someone successful. You are not rich because the person you are dating is. Beauty fades. Beauty is accidental and most importantly fragile.

So I ask you to do this, right now: close your eyes or look into the distance, imagine 5-10 people that you are close to or find ‘value’ in. Line them up side by side in your imagination, remove their clothes, remove their hair, and material possessions. Lastly, remove their face.

Is this someone you would still choose? Is there anything within them that complements or intrigues you?

Personally, I practice this exercise daily as second nature. So if you’re in my life and I make time for you, it’s because I’ve lined you up, I’ve removed all of your clothes, shaved your head, burned your wallet, erased your face and still found something worth keeping….you.

Peace upon and within,
K~Y

——
Khalilah Yasmin is a writer, poet and model, “intrigued with life and sharing my stories/triumphs.” She tweets at @KhalilahYasmin and blogs at www.khalilahyasmin.com.

Image source: Michael Oswald

Let’s use this song. Love.

I attempted suicides with my fifteen year old brother today. We were supposed to do two rounds. He quit before the first ended and I stopped after completing the first. The verdict: I need to get back in shape.

Am I alone?

Didn’t think so. I’m proposing a thirty day do-something-everyday fitness challenge to help everyone who’s fallen off get back on course. By the end of 30 days, that “I have to move” feeling should be well and active. Sometimes, we all need a little accountability, so if you’d like to join me, let me know. Shoot me a message here letting me know what you’re committing to. Me? Forty-five minutes of daily activity. You don’t necessarily need a gym or equipment., although it’s helpful.  It’s almost spring, the weather’s not so bad, and there’s always lots you can do indoors.

I’m starting Sunday, the 21st (equinox!). Perhaps you’ll join me.

I just thought about the concept, what if there were no mirrors? No reflections. No cameras to take pictures.

If we walked around, never knowing how we “looked,” would there be such an emphasis on the physical? On the material?

Would we be more inclined to work on enhancing our inner selves versus our outer shells?

Would how a person looks even matter, or would that concept be so trivial and unevolved? In this time, this reality of ours, as a collective, we spend most of our time –days and nights– focusing on enhancing everything on the outside, and barely any significant time on what’s inside…that which, from a universal perspective, in an ethereal sense, is what really has any relevance.

Can people really even let go of the material? If that didn’t exist for them, I wonder what would? What would people have if you took away all that centers around this outside, illusory, existence? If money, clothes, and cars no longer determined status. If beauty was no longer gauged by the physical self. Magazines would go out of business. Beauty products, clothing stores, gyms, etc.

What if the standard was how deep one connected with their self, and how in-tune an individual was with the collective consciousness of the universe. Or what if music and other forms of entertainment aided in expanding and attaining a higher level of consciousness, versus having us thinking about chasing paper, sex, violence, and infidelity. Or if it actually united man and woman, over continuing to erode the male/female connection.

Are we just pawns in this world? Are we that weak that we allow others to determine what we deem to be of value, of significance? Are we that stupid to allow these forces to continue to divide us? To keep our souls imprisoned and our minds in constant states of want, like little children and their developing egos. Adults are no different, swayed by the media, by entertainment, by money, showing them what they should be looking like, smelling like, how they should be living, what they should be wearing, and just as children we look, eyes wide open, for others to tell us what is cool, what we should be doing, and then make moves accordingly, doing our best to act out that role, redefining our egos every time, buying into the bullshit, literally and figuratively. Just eating it all up. And in the end, we feel so empty.

Is that you?

Don’t look in the mirror.

“What’s your Soul’s reflection?”

——
Jessica Mann is a sun child with a warm smile, a big heart and an acute case of wanderlust. She focuses on launching a nonprofit to provide inner city youth with the opportunity to travel the world, mothering her four year-old daughter, and following the road less traveled. Her motivating and expansive energy can be found in the city of Chicago and online at her blog, Awakened Soul, and @SoulMotivation.

Image by: Richar Klix

I’ve spent the last few months contemplating love, dysfunction and the relationship between the two. Does the absence of love breed dysfunction? That question leads to several other questions, such as “what is love?” It’s an age-old question that I’m not equipped to answer with absolute certainty at this point (maybe another post), but I know that the two don’t comfortably co-exist, and yet so many operate in a constant state of dysfunction but try to invite love in and see no positive results. It’s both amazing and amazingly sad.

After a failed romantic endeavor, I spent months beating myself up about my ineptitudes, which–aha!–didn’t improve anything. Once I got over myself and was able to sift through all the many lessons, I found this:

• How you love yourself is how you’ll love others.
• Being able to love others only truly happens when you love yourself.
• You learn love from your parents.
• You also learn dysfunction from your parents.
• At some point, you’ll have to sort out your mess from your parents mess and make new agreements with yourself about what you believe to be true.

• Then, you’ll have to change the way you behave to support those new agreements.
• Change doesn’t always happen as fast as we’d like.
• People are constantly projecting their ideas of you/themselves/life/etc. See past the illusion.
• If you keep attracting crappy people into your life…the common denominator is you.
• There’s a chance that all our problems could be solved if we loved ourselves more.*
• Self-love is a neverending quest; even at the destination, there is more journey.

I learned quite a bit more, but I’ll save that for personal conversations.  One of my most recent ruminations is “is your love love?” Judging by the state of the world, I’m going to say that there’s so much brokeness that even mangled concepts of love are accepted and flourishing. I challenge you to ask yourself this question and be brutally honest with yourself. Denial will only serve the dysfuction, not the love.

Love’s in need of love today. And so are we.

* Results not guaranteed.

Image source: Paranoia–7