I’m different. I’ve always been different, always felt different, but didn’t always have peace with it. Sometimes I fought it, bumped heads with others because of it, and even embraced it. It’s a sordid past I share with it. As I matured, though, I began to appreciate the fact that I was different. I eventually found it odd that most of us spend so much of our youth trying to fit in before usually spending the rest of our lives trying to distinguish ourselves. After all, aren’t we all different?

My official occupation for the past five years should read “nomad”. I’ve lived in New York, Philadelphia, Chicago, San Antonio, St. Louis, and even in an L.A. suburb. Right now, I’m on my way to South Korea. Each line of my resume places me in a different state and/or in a different industry so it’s quite likely that most companies seeking a long-term employee will immediately discard it upon review despite my qualifications; it doesn’t exactly scream company loyalty. Here’s the thing: I’m okay with that. Why? Because I’m different. That fact is evidenced not just by my thought process, hairstyle, interests or style of dress; my journey and choices are highly reflective of my individuality. My path hasn’t always been easy or glamorous, but it has been true to my essence as a free spirit.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, here’s a little something else: you’re different, too. You have dreams you haven’t followed, thoughts you haven’t shared, passions you haven’t explored. In short, you have a life you haven’t lived.

I’ve received both criticism and praise for living my life the way I have. Some well-intentioned people have urged me to “settle down.” Some folks seeking company in their misery have urged me to “settle down.” Some onlookers have told me I inspire them. However, nothing I do is for the acceptance or condemnation of others, but simply because I have to live on my terms. I could certainly make more money as I do so, and have started taking a greater interest in being more future-focused in terms of my personal economy. Yet, I don’t have too many complaints about this random and unpredictable lifestyle I’ve embraced. This journey has taught and exposed me to a lot. I’ve embraced a sort of freedom some don’t experience until retirement. The money that’s supposed to come along with retirement has often been missing thus far, but I’ve developed a pretty strong will against recklessly using my inner prostitute. You have a prostitute, too. It works a job you hate, but the money’s good or at least regular. It exchanges your energies with others in unfulfilling ways to serve some end, but would really rather not in a perfect world. It gives away your time, money, intellect, integrity, word, or self altogether for some form of physical, emotional, or social security. It may have led you down a path you truly seek to escape.

According to Caroline Myss, the prostitute is one of the four survival archetypes active in all of our lives. Its goal is to develop and protect our self-esteem and self-respect, but it’s easy to misunderstand the lessons we experience through this archetype. The prostitute archetype has taught me that it’s much better to take less money and be in line with my core beliefs—even if it’s a lot less money. It’s highly unlikely I’ll be endorsing a traditional diamond or gold retailer or become the poster child for a pharmaceutical or fast-food company. I’m unwilling to compromise my beliefs about the lack of integrity these systems represent. Just as unlikely is my submission to the appeals to normalcy in the shape of a “normal” job, a “normal” life, or “normal” choices. Normal simply means common. Common isn’t different. I embrace my difference, which can frequently exist outside the consideration of “normal”. Still, I don’t condemn normalcy. If it works for you, great, but I’ve found that it actually doesn’t work for a lot of folks. What I do, however, condemn is the pressure or criticism those embracing norms subject to those who don’t—most especially by those who have yet to analyze their compliance.

Undoubtedly, you’ve been in situations that have revealed your prostitute—its strength or weakness. The key is to make it work for you. It’s in all of us, but that’s not to say it works the same for all of us. Let yours serve your highest good. Let it support your dreams, security, self-esteem and self-respect. Let it teach you that there’s more to life than money and social acceptance. Find the good in its lessons—even the difficult ones—then begin or continue to live in synch with your values, passions, and purposes.

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To read more about what’s considered the four survival archetypes, read this synopsis from Caroline Myss’ Sacred Contracts.

Many of us grow up believing it’s necessary to hide or deny parts of ourselves for acceptance: for our self-acceptance and for everyone else’s. Clearly, this logic is flawed. Nothing is more important to acceptance, whether internal or external, than self-honesty about who you are and where you are. Maybe you’re vulnerable, scared, needy, insecure, lonely, unhappy, into “strange” things “no one else” is into, a “geek”…whatever. How can you ever truly connect with yourself or anyone else without honoring your truths? You can’t so it’s ridiculous to even try.

We are all works in progress. Continually becoming. The more we hide ourselves, the more we isolate ourselves–mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Who are you and where are you? No one deserves an answer to that question more than…you.

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So much of our worlds are inherited. Often times, what we think about ourselves, about others, how we behave and cope with emotional stress, our expectations as it relates to career, love, and life in general, and so much more are all passed down to us from the people we interact with and from what we read or hear. Children are perfect little recorders of their environments. They pick up the vocabulary, the dialect, and all the subtleties of the human behavior surrounding them. Because of that, the emotional space a child grows up in plays a major role in how they experience and demonstrate their emotions throughout life.

My last relationship was my first adult relationship, and I went into it stumbling, wanting this love, yet very fearful. Much of the time we were together, instead of placing my trust in my partner and what we were building, I was afraid to really open myself up and let him in, let him know where I’d been and what I battled with. In being dishonest with myself, I was dishonest with him. I thought I knew how to love, but I didn’t. The reality was that I didn’t know how to love myself, so I didn’t know how to love him and I felt sort of inept the whole time we were together. Why couldn’t I open up? Why couldn’t I articulate my feelings? Why was I so afraid to be vulnerable and discuss my emotions? Why couldn’t I treat him the way he deserved to be treated?

One word: dysfunction. I was dysfunctional.

My journey has brought me back home for a little while and as uncomfortable as being here has been for me, I understand the importance of this return, especially as it relates to understanding my dysfunction. In true “there’s got to be something wrong with me” fashion, I initially owned it, as though I taught it to myself how to be dysfunctional. But I didn’t; like so many others in the world, I inherited it.

Why must we be the change we wish to see in the world? Because we don’t even recognize who all is watching and learning from us, and we don’t know exactly what they’re learning. I inherited my parents’ emotional limitations. Keeping everything bottled in was a norm. So were explosive reactions, yelling, not communicating at all, making a scene of being upset yet unwilling to discuss why, being hurtful because we were hurt. It was a mess. And only now as I unfurl all this emotional junk do I understand how I can never have a healthy relationship with these behavioral patterns.

We’ve all heard that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Unfortunately, for some reason, many people believe they’re like dogs and that their personalities, after a certain point, become static. That is only true for the person who accepts it as true. In reality, we always have the power to change. Growing pains seem to keep so many stagnant, despite the rewards being worth the challenges several times over.

Continuous self-analysis is a permanent part of growth. Whatever doesn’t grow is dead. Open yourself up to more life by constantly analyzing yourself and seeing where you can grow and improve weaknesses. The way you love will be how you teach your children to love. The way you love yourself is the way you will love others. The solution to almost everything in the world is more self-love. The more you love yourself, the deeper your capacity to honestly love others. The more love others feel, the more they learn how to return it and do; it’s cyclical. Let’s be conscious to pass on love, not dysfunction.

I woke up today and remembered a dream that I have frequently. I dream about someone that mattered to me and was taken from me. And that dream got me to thinking about ‘value’. As I look around me and the world we live in, a lot of our values are distorted.

The way in which we judge our significant others, our friends, and the people we choose to entertain, is taken very lightly. It saddens me. While it is not uncommon anymore to see a woman with a man just for his finances, what about when they run out? The same can be said about a man for a woman. Many people place value on things that are not constant and everlasting. I’m not about to give you the paddy cake riddle that ‘It’s what’s on the inside that counts’.

Allow me to go deeper.

Since I was a child, I was always very observant of people and my surroundings. I stare. I dream. I imagine. I began a game with myself for fun that I would imagine everyone I know, in an assembly line as long as it could go filled with people I know. They all are lined up, naked, bald, and void of all material possessions. If we could see the people around us in this way, it would allow us to see what we really like/dislike about the person.

Take for instance, the “Good Hair” phenomenon. How many men and women would not be as aesthetically pleasing to you if it were not for their clothes, hair, and make up?

What about Tyrone? He hits on you every time you see him at Roscoe’s. You turn your nose at him simply because ‘he looks like he cannot even purchase a meal’. Why can’t you be his friend?

Sure, he’s simply a waiter (as far as you can see)… But what if Tyrone came into $30 Million dollars and started driving a Lamborghini to his part time job at Roscoe’s? Is that when you’d decide to finally give him your number and get to know him?

Or do you take a chance on Tyrone and find out that Tyrone is a lot more than what he appears to be on the outside?

Allow me to flip it.

So you’re dating Renee’. She’s beautiful on the outside. Her parents are wealthy, and by association so is she. She never needs anything from you financially. And you enjoy being around her because of the attention you get to be on the arm of a beautiful woman. Do you enjoy Renee’s conversation? If she were to undergo surgery that destroyed her good looks, would you still find yourself with her? Be honest. Not with me, with yourself.

John is a successful basketball player about to sign a major contract. Would you still be his girlfriend if he had not been scouted that day? If he was still playing street ball at the neighborhood park and working at Best Buy, would he still have the same value to you?

I performed an experiment a month ago. I went shopping yet was dressed in sweats, and tennis shoes. Nothing fancy. I purposely made myself look simple to see whom would help me in the clothing stores I went to. I had plenty of money to purchase anything that I wanted. And out of 6 stores, it was the last store that finally decided to not take me at face value. I asked people for help in each of the stores. I told them what I was looking for and was treated as if I was a bother. The last saleswoman helped me and I explained to her my story.

This weekend I went to the same stores, but I was dressed in clothing that made more of statement. I made it a point to simply walk in the stores that I went in before. I was thoroughly responded to…

How many people pass up potential over the basis of material possessions?

And who are you putting up with based on what they have?

My point:
You cannot obtain success by sitting in the lap of someone successful. You are not rich because the person you are dating is. Beauty fades. Beauty is accidental and most importantly fragile.

So I ask you to do this, right now: close your eyes or look into the distance, imagine 5-10 people that you are close to or find ‘value’ in. Line them up side by side in your imagination, remove their clothes, remove their hair, and material possessions. Lastly, remove their face.

Is this someone you would still choose? Is there anything within them that complements or intrigues you?

Personally, I practice this exercise daily as second nature. So if you’re in my life and I make time for you, it’s because I’ve lined you up, I’ve removed all of your clothes, shaved your head, burned your wallet, erased your face and still found something worth keeping….you.

Peace upon and within,
K~Y

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Khalilah Yasmin is a writer, poet and model, “intrigued with life and sharing my stories/triumphs.” She tweets at @KhalilahYasmin and blogs at www.khalilahyasmin.com.

Image source: Michael Oswald

• Even if you don’t eat at a fast food restaurant, you’re still eating food made for/within that system. [If you haven't already, read Fast Food Nation.]
• “Chickens never see sunlight. They’re pretty much in the dark all the time.”
• “This isn’t farming, this is just mass production.”
• “It doesn’t matter if the chickens get sick, all of the chickens will be sent for processing.”
• Learn about the industrial food system.
• 30% of the land in the US is used to produce corn.
• Farm-raised fish is eating corn.
• Average American eats over 200 lbs. of meat a year. Ugh. Do you know how long it takes for meat to leave your body??
• Reminder: there’s manure in your meat! Bon appetit!

• “We put faith in our government to protect us and we’re not being protected on a basic level.” <— this government protects highest bidders: the massively rich, corporations, and industries
• Consumer safety tip: FDA doesn’t protect consumers and was never designed to do so. Former FDA Commissioner Herbert Lay was quoted in the San Francisco Chronicle of January 2, 1970 as saying, “The thing that bugs me is that people think the FDA is protecting them. It isn’t. What the FDA is doing and what the public thinks it’s doing are as different as night and day.”
• If cattle is taken off corn diet and put on [natural] grass diet, they shed 80% of e. coli in their stomachs.
• Hamburger meat filler treated with AMMONIA to kill the e. coli in the beef…in 20% of the market. Bon Appetit! [They project 100% in 5 years.]
• #foodinc is reminding me of why I became a macrobiotic practitioner and eventually a vegan.
• “Faster, fatter, bigger, cheaper!” is the motto of food industry.
• Being an adult who regularly eats fast food is like becoming a new cigarette smoker: way too much information out there to not know you’re asking for trouble. [But I'm assuming you care about your quality of life.]
• If you eat fast food because you don’t have time to cook: try slow cooking. Crock pots are AMAZING!
• I sincerely believe food/diet is responsible for [or a major contributor to] 95% of all health problems.
• Our current economic system KILLS souls. People doing menial, spirit-killing jobs for a wage. Shame.
• I was urged by @andrea_zak to read Kessler’s The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite to find out what happens to factory farmed meat and industrial veggies.
• Someone noted that it costs more to eat well than to eat poorly. Upfront, yes.
• Environmental, health, and social costs for “cheap” food are NOT cheap.
• No to US soy…90% of it’s Roundup Ready: can’t be killed by pesticide. [Roundup Ready products are "herbicide tolerant". To learn more about the effects of Roundup Ready products, check out Roundup Ready Nation: Dying for Profits.]
• Live by your principles. The law is not values-based, thus often lawfully unlawful. The prohibition of marijuana is proof of this. [Note: I am not promoting the use of marijuana, but I am in support of its legalization, especially alongside the legalization of alcohol and cigarettes, which kill an insanely large number of people annually.]
• Become a vegetarian, build an earthship and grow your own food. [Earthships are completely self-sustainable housing. Friggin awesome.]
• Genetically modified foods aren’t labeled. Meat from cloned animals isn’t either. Cheers!
• 70% of supermarket products contains some genetically modified ingredient.
• You can go to prison for criticizing beef in Colorado?!? What the…? [Yes, thanks to the veggie libel law, you can be sued by food producers for libel in thirteen states: Alabama, Arizona, Colorado, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Louisiana, Mississippi, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, South Dakota, and Texas.]
• Some solutions are to support local food. Farmer’s markets. Communnity supported agriculture (CSAs). Plant a garden.
• (y)our diet can change the planet. and your life. see?

Perfection is illusory, yet I strive to manifest it in the most possible way by simply being better. Sometimes, I fail. Sometimes, I succeed. Some lessons take a while to truly get and some changes take longer to implement than desired. Everything in its course as everything happens in its own time. Knowing that, however, shouldn’t negate exercising effort.

Just today, I told my cousin how I feel like a late bloomer in some ways. She said, “I don’t think you’re a late bloomer, you just have your own lessons to learn and you will. Be patient with yourself, you’ll get it in God’s time.”

I’m not who I was and at some point, I won’t be who I am now. The term “growing pains” is appropriate for so many phases in life, if not the sum of it. Growth–change–can hurt. Does hurt. But taking refuge in stagnation is no remedy.

You are a process, always becoming who you will be.  People will try to confine you to who you were or who they’d like you to be, but “I” is beyond definition because ”I” is not static.  You are transforming regularly.  You change your ideas, modify your behavior, set different goals and declare new resolutions.  Who you have been and who you are now is not who you will be.  Evolve.  You are a process.  So is everybody else.  Remember that.

Image source: Teddy

One of my favorite poets in the world, Saul Williams‘ words frequently cause envy. They make me want to read more, know more, write more. There’s an undeniable courage in all his creations that inspire the heart of the reader/listener. If you want bite sized pieces, he tweets at @SaulWilliams.

Finding the good: we’re going to attempt making this 79 year-old woman stop smoking. May the force be with us. If we succeed, she will have finally quit and her health will improve. If we don’t succeed, we tried. I’m fortunate enough to be with her now through all of this, no matter what happens.

Be inspired: value life NOW, not when the imminence of death becomes unavoidably visible. Share your love. Make it known. Spend time with the elderly. Spend time with the sick. Spend time with the people you love but have been too busy– or “too busy” –to connect with. Volunteer. Mentor. Help.

This is a widely applicable principle. Think long. Think hard. Think deep. Find out where this is applicable in your life and act accordingly.

Here’s “Razor Tongue” off of his Langue De Rasoir (animated by TMelchishua), reminding us to be careful of the words we choose to use with others. The idea can be extended to how we talk to ourselves. Our words can create, build, destroy, hurt, and heal. Let’s be mindful.

If not, Guys, have you ever told a woman not to change a thing, knowing she’s critical of herself? …and meant it? If so, kudos. I’m sure you know that’s a compliment very easy to welcome. If not, try it and let me know how it goes.

Ladies, have you ever been told you’re perfect just the way you are? No? Press play.

Bilal Salaam – “So What”

I just thought about the concept, what if there were no mirrors? No reflections. No cameras to take pictures.

If we walked around, never knowing how we “looked,” would there be such an emphasis on the physical? On the material?

Would we be more inclined to work on enhancing our inner selves versus our outer shells?

Would how a person looks even matter, or would that concept be so trivial and unevolved? In this time, this reality of ours, as a collective, we spend most of our time –days and nights– focusing on enhancing everything on the outside, and barely any significant time on what’s inside…that which, from a universal perspective, in an ethereal sense, is what really has any relevance.

Can people really even let go of the material? If that didn’t exist for them, I wonder what would? What would people have if you took away all that centers around this outside, illusory, existence? If money, clothes, and cars no longer determined status. If beauty was no longer gauged by the physical self. Magazines would go out of business. Beauty products, clothing stores, gyms, etc.

What if the standard was how deep one connected with their self, and how in-tune an individual was with the collective consciousness of the universe. Or what if music and other forms of entertainment aided in expanding and attaining a higher level of consciousness, versus having us thinking about chasing paper, sex, violence, and infidelity. Or if it actually united man and woman, over continuing to erode the male/female connection.

Are we just pawns in this world? Are we that weak that we allow others to determine what we deem to be of value, of significance? Are we that stupid to allow these forces to continue to divide us? To keep our souls imprisoned and our minds in constant states of want, like little children and their developing egos. Adults are no different, swayed by the media, by entertainment, by money, showing them what they should be looking like, smelling like, how they should be living, what they should be wearing, and just as children we look, eyes wide open, for others to tell us what is cool, what we should be doing, and then make moves accordingly, doing our best to act out that role, redefining our egos every time, buying into the bullshit, literally and figuratively. Just eating it all up. And in the end, we feel so empty.

Is that you?

Don’t look in the mirror.

“What’s your Soul’s reflection?”

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Jessica Mann is a sun child with a warm smile, a big heart and an acute case of wanderlust. She focuses on launching a nonprofit to provide inner city youth with the opportunity to travel the world, mothering her four year-old daughter, and following the road less traveled. Her motivating and expansive energy can be found in the city of Chicago and online at her blog, Awakened Soul, and @SoulMotivation.

Image by: Richar Klix

Last week, I served as a facilitator for an all-girl middle school retreat and presented a workshop on joy. It was such an awesome experience that really lightened my heart. I felt like I was doing what I was supposed to be doing.

Considering my audience, I decided to create a workshop on happiness. Middle school was one of the most hellish phases of my life, with far-reaching ramifications that extended far beyond the secondary education phase. Well, it turns out middle school just might be hellish for a lot of folks. I wanted to share some of what I’ve learned with them in hopes of it being impactful, sticking, and prevent some of the self-esteem battering so many of us experience at that age.

Middle schoolers aren’t the only ones struggling to be happy, though, so I figured I’d post something about it.

One thing I’ve learned is that there is a correlation between self-love and happiness. Even if a lack of self-love should happen to not be the problem, actively loving oneself can certainly be a solution. Here’s the deal: we will always have to work on loving ourselves. Constantly. It’s a neverending quest, not a destination. This society breeds and feeds on self-hatred, so we’ll always have to protect our inner lives.

Start with being your own friend. Make a list of all the things that make you great. Then, make another list of all the things that would make any friend great, and start doing as many of those things as possible for yourself. Be loving, be patient, uplifting, kind, have your back and have a sense of humor, too.

Start using affirmations. Affirm your awesomeness to yourself. It may feel silly or sound like you’re being egocentric or lying to yourself, but keep doing it. They work. They’re especially powerful if you say them first thing in the morning, last thing at night, in the mirror, and write them down.

As far as we know, we’ve got one life; let’s treat ourselves…well. You may not need this message, but someone you know does. Pass it on. It’s short because it’s simple; we just make it complicated.

Wishing you love&light…
leandra

And don’t forget to smile!

Image source

This parable from Fearless was turned into a children’s book called The Tallest of Smalls.

Video source: jeanjeansl