The recent absence of my online presence isn’t exclusively related to being busy or mentally preoccupied. That’s part of it. Another part of it, actually, the biggest part of it, is the recurring struggle I’ve had with allowing myself to be open. I’m set on finding the balance between protecting myself and my life and being an open book. I’d like to share myself in a thoughtful, meaningful way, not recklessly over-share.

Posing this dilemma to a friend, he said, “But the work you do requires you to be honest. All creatives have to be.” It hit me, as it occasionally does at times before disappearing again, that there is something to this process, to this learning and sharing of mine. It isn’t haphazard or reckless; it’s necessary — for me and for whomever my words touch. I forget that my brand of creativity is more specific to how I think and applying understanding to grow. The art that resonates the most is that which is the most honest. My work will only resonate with others when I’m brave enough to open up and share my journey.

So, there it is. I struggle with being open. I struggle with maintaining clarity about my path. But I get it back. I’m here for a purpose and I unfailingly believe in purpose.

I’ll stop being scared. I’ll open up a bit. A few months back, I had a moment, ripe with reminders for myself. Epiphanies flooded me, and as they cascaded, I wrote them on my mirror. The picture above captured the result of that moment. It became a #notetoself I was happy to immortalize.

• On music: It’s amazing. It’s awesome. It’s super powerful. It’s healing… It’s distracting. Sometimes. When I disconnect and listen to vocal-less music, I’m connected to myself and insights on life. It relaxes me and makes life a bit more otherworldly. Ambrose Akinmusire’s When the Heart Emerges Glistening and Robert Glasper’s Double Booked are soothing my spirit right now.
• On desire: We’re not supposed to have everything we think we want. Or when we want it.
• On life: Talents are our gifts — to us and to others. Burying them only shortchanges us and minimizes our contribution. Follow your bliss.
• Practice love. Be loving. Don’t let pain, and subsequent anger, blind you to your love. You love because you are love and expressing it is the highest joy. So express it. Live it. Be love in motion.

A good example of an awesome day:

Meeting a friend for brunch and eating delicious raw lasagna. Going to a curly hair event and being surrounded by beautiful, stylish, friendly women who obviously know something about sisterhood. Feeling like you look a mess, but getting lots of compliments. Buying a raffle ticket to support Petals-N-Belles, an organization whose mission to support young women is of notable importance to me. Buying an awesome vintage purse for $10 and an African-printed bangle that makes my heart melt. Collecting a gaggle of free hair products. Building with amazing people. Winning the grand prize of said raffle.

The last time I won a raffle was when I was a kid. It was an Oliver & Company sleeping bag that my grandmother probably still has somewhere. To this day, just the mention of that movie makes me smile.

The funny thing is I wanted to win something. A tee shirt. A bag full of goodies. Something. Kind of, but not really, I was “supposed” to win something. Interestingly, right after I bought my 3 raffle tickets, my friend, Luna also bought 3 tickets. She left the event early and planned to give me her raffle tickets since she wouldn’t be there for the announcement. The grand prize was a painting that artist Lorra Jackson painted at the event. The second prize was a Huetiful Hair Steamer that I definitely wouldn’t have minded winning. The other prizes were gift baskets with assorted hair and beauty products.

My numbers were: 307975, 307976, and 307977. The winning number for the hair steamer was 307978. Whose ticket was that? It belonged to the absent Luna, or if I’d remember to get them from her, me. But I didn’t remember. So they picked another number and some other lucky woman took it home. I was genuinely happy for her, but a bit salty for me. Then, they called the number for the painting. 307976. Shock came to my face as I said, “that’s me.” I didn’t even have the tickets in my hand at this point, figuring some other number would be called–one that wasn’t mine. To my own benefit, I was wrong.

If a simple, nonspecific intention to win “something” can result in me leaving with the coveted grand prize, I need to be more aware of my intentions and energies and what I’m manifesting in my life. There’s been a general feeling of dissatisfaction looming over me recently. While appreciative for what I have, I need more of what works for me in my life and I know that the only thing in the way is me. I posit that, similarly, the most major obstacle in your way is you. Let’s get out of our own way. Let’s reflect to get clear on what we want and take consistent action to making that vision real. That’s definitely what I’m about to do. Please join me.

This is a magical and wondrous world. All based on energy.

What you put out comes back to you. Align yourself with love.

Image source

For now, I’ll just say that the last few days in the beautiful and wondrous Barcelona have reminded me of all the magic in this world; the magic that has been and the magic that will be. Imagine walking down a street, knowing so little of the language that at every block you have to once again ask for directions just to make sure you’re heading the right way. That’s been my reality. Even with its moments of trepidation, I can attest to the gloriousness of it all.

When it all falls apart, or when it never fully connected in the first place, “you figure it out,” as someone told me I would prior to my departure. I figured it out. It all came together.

#notetoself: go with the flow. have some faith. use your intuition.

Kindness begets kindness.
Karma is real. Keep doing you and watch the return. I dropped $4 during a trip to the store. All I had on me was that $4 specifically to purchase some food for work. It fell out of my pocket and someone stopped me to return it. Small, yes, but still huge. As Will Smith said, “Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too.”

What are you learning? If you’re on Twitter use the #whatmyworldslike hashtag and let’s start talking!

At this very moment, I’m overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude and love for all the lessons I’ve learned, from all the inspiration I’ve received, for all the mirrors to myself.

Thank you, my readers, for reading. For commenting. For reaching out. For helping me to understand that this journey is not one I traverse alone and that sharing my reflections is not in vain. To the friends, loved ones, associates, strangers, enemies and opposition who reflect me to myself, who challenge me to grow…thank you. To those who inspire me, teach me, receive me, and amplify my light…thank you. To the brave, the scared, the weak, the strong, the beautiful and ugly spirits…thank you for showing me where I am and where I have to go. Thank you for love. Thank you for light. Thank you for life. I am abundantly blessed & abundantly grateful.

If you ever want to experience a natural high, practice gratitude. Find reasons to celebrate life. You’ve only got this one (that you know of).

I know it sounds poetic. Really, it is.

After leaving work Friday night, happy to go home because I had a new Amazon Kindle I was excited to play with, I learned a great lesson: be humble or be humbled.

My commute home includes a trip over the Manhattan Bridge. The best part about this bridge, no matter which direction you’re traveling in, is getting off; the decline makes the incline worth it.

I’m coming down the decline, telling myself how much better I’ve gotten at biking. I swerve in between cars. My fear and apprehension have decreased. My reflexes serve me well. I’m still alive despite some of the stupid moves I’ve made. All the while, I’m peddling as fast as I can. Down the bridge. Gaining momentum.

At the base of the bridge in Brooklyn is a loop. Usually, I’ll brake for the curve, but this time, I decided not to. After totally inflating my ego, I chose to continue at this top notch speed. Downhill. Around a curve.

It seemed like a good idea until I hit the center of the curve and started to panic. I’m not sure if I really was going too fast or if I just got scared. Nonetheless, I squeezed the brakes, but obviously too hard, as the front tire stopped, the handlebars twisted around, and the bike collapsed. I flew off, hit my head, hit the inside of my knee, and burned a hole through my shoe and sock.

All because of ego.

Fortunately, a nice fellow beginning his commute across the bridge stopped to check on me and helped me put the chain back on my bike. I rode to Duane Reade, in pain. Picked up some ibuprofen and adhesive bandages before catching the train closer to my apartment. After I got home, I cleaned my wounds, showered, then hopped in the bed to ice my knee and play with my Kindle.

Because I immediately recognized this whole experience as a result of ego, I just took the lessons.

• Be humble or be humbled.
• Always wear a helmet.
• You don’t have to be hit to fall.

In truth, I didn’t even want a helmet. Initially, I thought about the cool factor then realized it’s hard to look cool when you’re dead or severely injured. Since then, I’ve pretty much always worn one. From now on, I always will.

Now I get to spend the next week—hopefully less—hobbling around on a stiff and swollen knee while looking at my bike leaning against the wall as its convenience taunts me. Fun times.

Did I mention that I was listening to Kanye West’s “Power”? Ironic. Also ironic is that I didn’t need a Kindle. My reading time has decreased because I commute by bike. For the first time since getting a bike, I bought a weekly transit card. It’ll come in handy now.

Any recent tales of collapsing egos in your world?

Thank you, my readers, for checking in on the blog and checking in on me. I’ve gotten emails, direct messages, and tweets questioning my whereabouts and urging me to post something new. Not once had I forgotten about you or the blog; I just had to live. I suppose I should publicly say now that I’m working on a book. My first book! Ever the idealist, I have a vision I’d like to materialize as close to what I see or better, so I’m being careful to test my ideas and theories on myself in my life first. I want it to be great because I want it to inspire millions of people to be great and to continue to become greater and grander versions of themselves.

I’ve missed posting and I see that so have others. I hear you. I’m here.

My friend, Zubaer, got me hyped about photography all over again. I want his camera. Someone should give him a lot of money so he can afford to buy a new one, give me his, and still have some left. Yeah…that’d be cool.

Until that someone arrives in the picture, here are some pics I took with my not as good (but I’m still thankful for you) camera. I like that it’s just a hobby. No professional aspirations. Just something I enjoy.

i set fire to myself
and bellowed sounds of agony
burned in degrees unmeasured
as the passersby passed by
unflinching
bothered only by my position
surely this should be done out of sight
not when ripe
but convenient for the crowd

burnt skin curled up aginst itself
exposing flesh
revealing my “i’m like you”-ness
but i burned publicly
those who saw thought it a display
art or gimmick
it was neither
i just stopped where i was to light the match

the screaming continued
a cry for help
but who could help me
who could hear me
who could see what this fire symbolized

with silence came death
with death came birth
and out of the flames
emerged a new self
a new spirit armored with skin twice as thick
with eyes that could see twice as much
twice as fast
twice as deep
senses more sensitive to respond with greater haste
i had to burn to be reborn
here i stand, in the ashes of an old body
naked
amongst the crowd
as they gawk
wondering why i’m exposed
why i look different from them
stronger than them
like i know more than them
surely i can’t be greater than them
greater than i was before

when i burned
i burned the box
i contorted myself to fit into
i distorted myself to fit into
i killed myself to fit into

there was no death by fire
just birth

Image source: Mia Bengtsson

This is a widely applicable principle. Think long. Think hard. Think deep. Find out where this is applicable in your life and act accordingly.