The recent absence of my online presence isn’t exclusively related to being busy or mentally preoccupied. That’s part of it. Another part of it, actually, the biggest part of it, is the recurring struggle I’ve had with allowing myself to be open. I’m set on finding the balance between protecting myself and my life and being an open book. I’d like to share myself in a thoughtful, meaningful way, not recklessly over-share.

Posing this dilemma to a friend, he said, “But the work you do requires you to be honest. All creatives have to be.” It hit me, as it occasionally does at times before disappearing again, that there is something to this process, to this learning and sharing of mine. It isn’t haphazard or reckless; it’s necessary — for me and for whomever my words touch. I forget that my brand of creativity is more specific to how I think and applying understanding to grow. The art that resonates the most is that which is the most honest. My work will only resonate with others when I’m brave enough to open up and share my journey.

So, there it is. I struggle with being open. I struggle with maintaining clarity about my path. But I get it back. I’m here for a purpose and I unfailingly believe in purpose.

I’ll stop being scared. I’ll open up a bit. A few months back, I had a moment, ripe with reminders for myself. Epiphanies flooded me, and as they cascaded, I wrote them on my mirror. The picture above captured the result of that moment. It became a #notetoself I was happy to immortalize.

Intense feelings can lead to anger, a secondary emotion. By secondary emotion, I mean you feel something else before you actually feel anger. Tune in on that emotion. Feel that. What need do you have that isn’t being met, or is being violated? Safety? Honesty? Affection? Respect? Attention?

Use your anger as emotional feedback, as a barometer indicating when you’re in the red. When you know the underlying feelings and missing needs in play, you can work more effectively towards resolving the situation peacefully and heathily.

There’s a fire, an urgency to being angry. Let it work for you, not against you. Understand it to use it.

Approximately six years ago, I relaxed my hair for the last time. It was the day before my graduation and wearing my hair natural had been on my mind for several months, as I could no longer justify putting a dangerous chemical directly on my head to straighten my hair for aesthetic purposes while actively seeking to eat organic foods; it was a silly contradiction and I immediately understood it as such.

Almost a year later, I cut off the relaxed ends and wound up wearing a teeny weeny afro that I initially hated. Nothing was wrong with it per se, I just thought my curls would be looser, bigger, more flowing. I wanted my hair to be longer than it was. There were times I’d look in the mirror and cry: what had I done? Why did I do this? Yet, there was such a strong knowing that I was at the point of no return; my last relaxer was the last relaxer. “I’m undergoing a paradigm shift,” I’d tell myself when I needed comforting.

When you begin to wear your hair the way it grows out of your head after years of manipulating it to specifically do otherwise, you’re suddenly confronted with your ideas about beauty in general, your individual beauty, and your people’s beauty.

Many women consider it to be a quasi spiritual experience, and, honestly, that’s no exaggeration. It’s a reawakening. To yourself. To your beauty. To your ancestry. To healthy self-esteem.

Six years ago, I had this reawakening.

Recently, after a failed attempt at growing out my hair from what was, to date, the best hairstyle of my life, I decided to completely shave all my hair off. On an impulse.

I immediately mourned the loss of my hair, even as I was cutting it. My sister watched, astonished, while championing what she considered to be bravery, although I didn’t feel like I had any other option. “I just don’t think I’m cute enough to pull this off,” I told her.

Despite the many compliments tossed my way — “I love it!” “Leandra?! You look stunning.” — I felt pretty insecure. Before, I had my face plus really cool hair. Now, I just had my face. Initially, I wore more makeup than usual, and always wore it. I would say, “I don’t want to look like a little boy,” but really I just didn’t think I was attractive enough to successfully be without hair. I wanted it to be. I wanted to look in the mirror and have that instant knowing of “this is me.” That moment never came for me.

What did come was an understanding that I was about to become really familiar with my face. Because I was uncomfortable, I knew I had to settle into the discomfort and feel it out. Really, what other choice do you have when you shave your head? It’ll grow back, yes, but it takes time. In the meantime, you can attempt to overcompensate or you can decide to get comfortable. I chose the latter.

I’ve returned to wearing my usual amount of makeup, which consists of mascara, and maybe subtle eye shadow and/or eye liner. The darker my hair got, the more I liked it and while I still have yet to have the “this is me” feeling, I know I’m getting there without developing anymore complexes regarding my looks.

The most recent epiphany I had regarding my hair came this past weekend when my love suggested I brush my hair, instead of my usual “do nothing to it wash and go” routine. To demonstrate his point, he brushed it, only for me to confirm not liking how brushing made my hair a teeny weeny afro.

I reflected it on it more and more. Why didn’t I like it?

In a moment of pure honesty, my answer was something like “I look too black.”

Uh oh.

That right there let me know I was in trouble. Too black meaning really African, which I’m a descendant of…so what does that mean?

It means even though I was natural, even though I’d began to accept the aesthetics of natural African/African-American hair, I still have some work to do. Everything isn’t for everyone, and I understand that I don’t have to accept every natural look on myself as proof of healthy self-esteem. However, I think self-acceptance is critical to healthy self-esteem and while I may opt not to go after a particular style, strong resistance is a barometer to guage my self-comfort. I don’t have to brush my hair, but if I refuse to, I should look at that.

It’s been a month and it’s still just me and my face, now with a teeny bit of hair. I’m excited about working with and taking care of my hair all over again. Once again, it feels like a reawakening and my life is reflecting that major change.

If you’ve recently cut your hair or embarking upon so soon, realize the opportunity it presents to you to love yourself even more. Being without hair is an opportunity to embrace how you look–now. It’s when we feel most insecure that we require our own bravery to not succumb to using crutches that will only cause more problems down the line. It’s a reawakening. A new beginning of sorts. An opportunity to connect. To yourself. To your beauty. To your people.

That’s how I’ve chosen to use this period.

This is a magical and wondrous world. All based on energy.

What you put out comes back to you. Align yourself with love.

Image source

At this very moment, I’m overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude and love for all the lessons I’ve learned, from all the inspiration I’ve received, for all the mirrors to myself.

Thank you, my readers, for reading. For commenting. For reaching out. For helping me to understand that this journey is not one I traverse alone and that sharing my reflections is not in vain. To the friends, loved ones, associates, strangers, enemies and opposition who reflect me to myself, who challenge me to grow…thank you. To those who inspire me, teach me, receive me, and amplify my light…thank you. To the brave, the scared, the weak, the strong, the beautiful and ugly spirits…thank you for showing me where I am and where I have to go. Thank you for love. Thank you for light. Thank you for life. I am abundantly blessed & abundantly grateful.

If you ever want to experience a natural high, practice gratitude. Find reasons to celebrate life. You’ve only got this one (that you know of).

wow, it’s just hitting me that it’s really december 31st. this year literally swept by in a haze. i remember clearly when it started and so much has changed for me since then. i moved…again. being back in new york has been really great for me. so much about myself and about life in general has been revealed–and is being revealed–to me. the clarity i have now is life-changing, yet i’m assured of greater comfort knowing that my vision will only begin to crystallize over time. as that vision begins to crystallize, i see a change in my being and my doing. it’s a really beautiful and exciting time for me.

the best part of this year, though, is when i looked up and realized that i am what i’ve been trying to be, but the lens through which i was looking at myself was so blurry that i couldn’t see clearly. i’ve been so hard on myself so for long, so unnecessarily. themes of acceptance, forgiveness, and love were really punctuated this year. since then, i’ve made adjustments to my thinking and behavioral patterns that have started creating an inner peace i’ve wished for for years.

i recognize i’ve spent much of the year not blogging. trust that the time wasn’t wasted. sometimes a retreat is necessary to truly process the experience of growth. the distance provided much needed perspective. i’ll be back with a vengeance.

i’m looking forward to all that 2011 has to offer: the challenges, the lessons, the blessings, the triumphs, the magic. i hope you are, too. our lives are our creations. let’s create consciously.

here’s to excellence. i wish you all continued growth and growing peace.

Then I’m reminded that the past is the past. Done. Over. Finito. I can only focus on forward movement to ensure future progress. However, it would probably be beneficial to reflect and see what roadblocks prevented me making the growth I apparently expected of myself, yet didn’t hold myself accountable for.

Are you where you planned to be now? Have you made the progress you anticipated? What will you do to get on track (your track)?

On things that don’t necessarily matter, it’s easy for me to toss an opinion around, whether it’s requested or not. However, on issues that deeply affect me, usually silence is my standard. Makes no sense. Am I outspoken or reserved?

My journey has taught me that I’m nicest to those I don’t know and more hurtful to those I care the most about. Am I kind or am I mean?

I can speak about my life, who I am—or think I am—and what I’ve learned easiest with strangers than people I’m emotionally invested in.

Why does this incongruency exist? Will the awareness of its presence create more congruency or will it persist regardless?

Perhaps the answer lies in another incongruency: commitment to personal growth. I’m much more committed to the idea than actual change. It’s easy to make my mind about the fact the change needs to happen, but implementing it is a much more delayed process that can take days, weeks, even years. The amount of time it takes to make the shift seems to correlate to the depth of the change—how deeply embedded the behavior is. Shallow changes happen faster.

There’s nothing revolutionary about this, right? I suppose what bothers me so much now is how much this incongruency is a part of my life. I’m a writer who doesn’t write. A good friend recently pointed out that I treat it like a hobby instead of a passion, or something I must do. In theory, I’m a health nut, but in practice, I eat processed and take-out foods quite frequently, usually opting out of cooking. At work recently, I was grossly offended by an extremely inappropriate and disrespectful comment someone made to me. Shock turned into disgust, which turned into a deeper offense and before I knew it, I was crying uncontrollably. Not because of the comment itself, but because of how I responded to it. I’d never been in that position before, but I still expected myself to respond more than just professionally, but with more strength and self-protection. The same strength and self-protection that exists in my daily talk. But it wasn’t in my walk.

Regardless of how much I demonstrate it on a daily basis, I do sincerely believe we’re all here for a reason. There are messages and passions to be conveyed. In order to effectively communicate them, we need to be congruent. The first step in addressing any problem is acknowledging the problem. I am incongruent. Now, I will work on being congruent and walking the talk.

Our life is our message. Actions speak louder than words. Let’s make our actions match our intentions.

The perpetual, invisible fork is the following question: how are you going to respond? To what? To everything.

We allow the outer world to control our inner world because we don’t understand that the more we control our inner world, the more we control the outer world.  It often acts the other way around, but we’re so much more effective in our lives when we understand this.  The past few weeks have proven this to be true.

Out of nowhere, my job suddenly became a place I slightly dreaded. I wasn’t even fully aware of it, but I noticed it when I realized time was my obsession. “What time is it?” and “how much longer will I be here?” Sure signs of danger. Everyone and everything was a problem and I played the victim to all the haphazard incidents and wrongdoings.

When somebody/everybody else is always the problem, maybe the problem is really you.

I toyed with this thought. Maybe it was me. Maybe people have been responding to my energy. Maybe I’ve been sweating all the small stuff. Maybe.

On my way to work one morning, I decided I’d be happy for no reason. No matter what. There was an immediate difference. My co-workers responded to me differently. My customers responded to me differently. The interactions were pleasant. Work was enjoyable again. I walked with a smile and the energy radiated.

I took the same approach the next day. Before leaving work, one of my co-workers asked, “Okay, what happened before you came into work yesterday?”

I smiled and said, “I changed my mind.”

I no longer dread my job. On the contrary, I rather enjoy interacting with such a variety of personalities.  Even when someone else isn’t pleasant towards me, I’m granted an opportunity to respond—not react—to them. I don’t have to allow them to ruin my good mood. Now when I start feeling frazzled by what’s going on, I remind myself to chill out and choose my response. It’s amazing how easy it is to be reactionary to everything and everyone, so much so that we forget we can choose how we will thoughtfully respond instead of taking the reflex reaction route.

We have the opportunity to choose our response all the time. We can decide what path will lead to further pain or greater pleasure. Be vigilant about finding these opportunities. Listen to the call, that urge for change. Check your frequency and watch the change.

You have power in your life.

My friend, Zubaer, got me hyped about photography all over again. I want his camera. Someone should give him a lot of money so he can afford to buy a new one, give me his, and still have some left. Yeah…that’d be cool.

Until that someone arrives in the picture, here are some pics I took with my not as good (but I’m still thankful for you) camera. I like that it’s just a hobby. No professional aspirations. Just something I enjoy.

This is a widely applicable principle. Think long. Think hard. Think deep. Find out where this is applicable in your life and act accordingly.

In a country where at least 67% of the population is overweight or obese, body dissatisfaction is extremely common and indeed fuels the $50 billion weight-loss industry. Additionally, since eating disorders and body dissatisfaction are no longer only associated with women, it’s not often we hear, or maybe even say, the phrase “I love my body.”

However, that’s exactly what I said as I looked in the mirror today before exercising. The best part about it is that I’m not even where I’d like to be ideally, since I’ve been pretty lazy about working out for a whopping five months — pretty extreme considering the frequency I exercised the entire year prior to this lazy phase.

Having had pathological eating patterns and concerns for half my life, hearing this was and being able to honestly say it was no small delight. My figure alone wasn’t what prompted the statement; I really love the human body — it’s one of the most intelligent and fascinating things on the planet. When we take care of it, it takes care of us. My body responds so well to deliberate care that I can’t help but to appreciate it. Knowing this makes me hyperaware of the fact that when I don’t treat it well, my health and figure start to decline.

Take some time to appreciate this amazing vehicle we’ve been gifted and honor it by giving it the care it deserves.

Source: Jonathan Charles

Be mindful.