What My World's Like

The genius of Tina Fey

Sep
28

Shut out of my bail out.

Sep
24

“Good morning, sir. Welcome to Bank Till of America. How can I help you?”

“I need some money.”

“OK, for what purposes?”

“My family has gotten behind in our bills — no mismanagement, you understand, but just some hard times. You see, my wife just got laid off, two of our three children had unexpected illnesses that weren’t fully covered by our health insurance. Gas and food prices are escalating, and it’s getting harder for us to make our mortgage payments. We’re not extravagant, mind you, but we do need some help.”

“So are you asking for a loan, sir?”

“We need a bailout, ma’am.”

“I’m sorry, eh, as I look at your information, Mr. Cue — Jonathan Cue, is it? — but based on your resources, we’re not able to give you a loan.”

“Ma’am, I don’t want a loan, I want a bailout.”

“I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t understand.”

“A bailout. I want the same deal you gave to those people in the news, that Fannie Mae woman, that Freddie Mac fellow, the Bear Stearns dude and the Notorious AIG.”

“Sir, those are mortgage lending giants, banks and insurance companies, and the bailout given to them was essential to the American economy.”

“I understand. And the bailout I want you to give me is essential to my family’s economy.”

“Sir, but without the assistance we give to them, the ramifications would be disastrous for Wall Street and the Fortune 500 companies.”

“Ma’am, without the assistance I need you to give me, the ramifications would be disastrous to Main Street, Elm Street, Guadalupe Street as well as to the unfortunate millions I keep company with.”

“I’m sorry, sir, we can’t help you.”

“But you helped them.”

“That’s different.”

“Why?”

“Because you weren’t irresponsible with billions of dollars and they were irresponsible with billions of dollars; therefore, we must give them billions of dollars more.”

“Huh?”
(more…)