What My World's Like

i used to hate myself.

Apr
01

eating disorder. i hate myself.

I used to hate myself. Used to hate so much about my appearance. My hair when it wasn’t “done”, meaning perfectly straight, which it is naturally incapable of ever being. My body because it wasn’t slim enough; too much muscle and too much fat in comparison to the svelte bodies I began to crave mine to be. I absorbed all the images this society and its media dished out to me about what was beautiful, and by omission, what was not beautiful. The regarded beauty was all white and almost none of it reflected the characteristics inherent to my ethnicity, whose beauty was dismissed to the point of disappearance.

Hate is a strong word and when I use it in reference to someone else’s feelings about themselves, they always resist. “I don’t hate myself.” Oh, okay. It is a hard pill to swallow.

What I’m talking about is a deep, urgent, secret longing to be “other” than what you already are. A strong desire to give up that which you have and are for that which you don’t have and aren’t, but want and want to be. On a spectrum gauging love and hate, these remorseful feelings of self-rejection sit opposite of love and squarely in conjunction with hate. If the word stings a bit or feels like a knife to the heart, good; one cannot love oneself and reject oneself at the same time. Some truths hurt so much, we choose to ignore them, to not face them; yet, what we resist persists.

To remedy the problem I had with my body, I became obsessed with managing what I put in my body. The irony is that I learned how to have an eating disorder from a television special warning about the dangers of having an eating disorder. Throw up your food or refrain from eating altogether. I thought it was brilliant, really. I thought I was in control. I was wrong.

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A topic about every body

May
13

wtrpromo-pic

TONIGHT’S TOPIC: Body Image – How and/or does it affects men and women differently? Why isn’t it discussed if body image issues are so prevalent? What are possible ways to overcome a negative body image?

Addendum: The University of New Hampshire has a pretty good brochure about transforming body image that lists some excellent starting points. During the show, I mentioned Maxwell Maltz’s Psycho-Cybernetics and Creative Living for Today, as well as Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life. I’m particularly fond of the 1999 gift edition. To that list, I’d also like to add Marcia Germaine Hutchinson’s Transforming body image: learning to love the body you have.

Be the best you and learn to love yourself as you are and in the process of becoming that “best you”. Get rid of beliefs and ideals that don’t serve you. They were created to serve someone; if they aren’t serving you, they aren’t for you, so why hold on? If you’re complaint about your body is something that is within your power to change, commit to changing it, but it’s not necessary to be compulsive or unloving to yourself in the process.

”We are so busy obsessing over what is wrong with us – whether it’s our weight, misproportion, wrinkles, pimples, excess hair or functional limitations – that we fail to develop our potential as human beings. If we could harness a tiny fraction of the energy and attention wasted in body hate and use it as fuel for creativity and self-development, just think how far we could travel toward our life goals.”
– Marcia Germaine Hutchinson