What My World's Like

Is your love love?



So much of our worlds are inherited. Often times, what we think about ourselves, about others, how we behave and cope with emotional stress, our expectations as it relates to career, love, and life in general, and so much more are all passed down to us from the people we interact with and from what we read or hear. Children are perfect little recorders of their environments. They pick up the vocabulary, the dialect, and all the subtleties of the human behavior surrounding them. Because of that, the emotional space a child grows up in plays a major role in how they experience and demonstrate their emotions throughout life.

My last relationship was my first adult relationship, and I went into it stumbling, wanting this love, yet very fearful. Much of the time we were together, instead of placing my trust in my partner and what we were building, I was afraid to really open myself up and let him in, let him know where I’d been and what I battled with. In being dishonest with myself, I was dishonest with him. I thought I knew how to love, but I didn’t. The reality was that I didn’t know how to love myself, so I didn’t know how to love him and I felt sort of inept the whole time we were together. Why couldn’t I open up? Why couldn’t I articulate my feelings? Why was I so afraid to be vulnerable and discuss my emotions? Why couldn’t I treat him the way he deserved to be treated?

One word: dysfunction. I was dysfunctional.


Allow me to reintroduce myself…


I wrote this post two years ago, still it resonates with me and my current position in life.  Just further evidence that moving in circles means there’s lots of room for growth.  The lesson: empower yourself by learning from life.

I’ve been running a lot in my life. From myself, from my past, my dreams, my fears, my dirt…just running. I’m constantly on the go. What sitting still feels like is foreign to me. When I’m here, I’m there and when I get there, I’ve already gone somewhere else.

Today marks a new beginning for me. I need new decision-making paradigms, new criteria with which to determine the best way from point A to point B…it’s not always a straight line.

At one time, I decided that Neale Donald Walsch’s definitions of love and fear were a great way…and they still are, so what happened? Did it take too much time? Impede my impulsiveness? Spontaneity is overrated if it’s reckless or spontaneous for the sake of speed or spontaneity itself. Guess why I’ve been spontaneous? ; )

Well…all that was the past. I’m seeking evolution. When speaking of other people, I’d easily toss out how they weren’t growing. “If you keep talking about the same stuff over and over again, your life is moving in circles and you’re not growing.” Is it any surprise that I, too, have been moving in circles, foolishly marveling at the new scenery even as it tired quickly because the design eventually proved to be the same? No, it isn’t. What you fear, you attract.

I watched Munich the other night. Interesting Spielberg movie, even for Spielberg. No longer a believer in coincidence, this character, Avner, was working with the Israeli army to kill this list of people. In the process, more people than anticipated died and death became the major theme in his life. He became haunted with the idea of being hunted…the idea of the tables turning created a paranoia so strong that he couldn’t sleep. When he returned to his civilian life, his mind wasn’t there. At one point in the film, as he shredded his mattress in search of a bomb, I recall saying, “That’s not a life.” No…it’s not. Later, he asks his superior for evidence that the people they were killing had really committed crimes…after the fact. He asked, “Have I committed murder?”


Are you serious, Avie? Yes…he was. Cognitive dissonance is a mess. Under the guise of religion, all along he’d considered eliminating these people an act of righteousness. So did his family and so many others he encountered, adding to his ambivalence.

Yet, I’m not all that different from Avner. I haven’t killed anyone, except for maybe parts of myself subconsciously, but there’s always been this justification, these ideas that whatever I was doing wasn’t exactly what I was doing. Don’t pee on me and tell me that it’s raining. But that’s exactly what I was doing. “It’s just rain, Leandra. No worries.”

Aware of the infractions I commit against myself, just like Avner, I can’t sleep. My unwillingness to be a mere mortal and face reality eliminates the possibility of growth, thereby forsaking the point of the whole experience. I can’t continue to hide from my shadow if I want to bask in the sun.

The paradox of belief…it’s nothing and everything at the same time. How long would I have continued to deceive myself if my health and the rest of my life didn’t seem to be collapsing around me? Perhaps indefinitely…who can say?

So good thing my life is falling by the wayside. It’s the cosmos saying, “Hey, this isn’t working.”

Once I was fed up with my headaches and sought an alternative remedy, I discovered macrobiotics, the notion of food as medicine, and the wisdom of the body. The wisdom of the body.

For so long, I’d consider myself a migraine sufferer, implicating this idea of victimhood. But I wasn’t a victim. The headaches were a symptom, part of an equation.


Sensitivity + Ignoring Sensitivity = Pain

Is it really that simple?


So years later, here I stand, at a similar pivotal moment with the power to define my situation as it is or as I’d like to for temporary personal convenience.

The present condition of my life wasn’t handed to me by the fates; it’s the perpetual C. What you put in, you get out.

It’s time for the self-delusion to end. Or if that’s what it’s going to be, at least call a spade a spade.

My historical lack of discipline doesn’t mean that my future has to be laden with the same lack, so much as that it means if I want to be disciplined, I’d better cultivate it.

How do you cultivate discipline? Dedication to the goal. So…I set some goals.