What My World's Like

#notetoself: relax into the discomfort.

Mar
26

discomfort zone

This is the third #notetoself letter, originally sent on February 20, 2012.

Isla de Ometepe in Nicaragua is an island formed by two volcanoes with an isthmus between them. Many consider it to be a magical place, although I haven’t yet figured out exactly what makes it so, but suspect I will soon. It’s beautiful and there are more signs of nature than the 42,000 people that live here. I’m staying on a permaculture farm with all kinds of good stuff: random greens, herbs, coconut, banana, plantains, Moringa, Mayan breadnut, taro, jackfruit, neem, guava, cashew, cinnamon, mango and so much more.

When I first arrived, I was ecstatic. Everything about this place was cool– the outdoor showers overlooking Lago Nicaragua, the largest lake in Central America, the squat toilets, the compost toilets, the outdoor dorms with amazing views of the sky (basically just a covered platform with a black tarp on one side acting as a wall), the hammock on the platform in a tree overlooking Volcan Concepcion, the solar-powered outdoor kitchen…

I slept horribly the first night. The only two options for mosquito nets was one that was a bit too small for the bed and one that was the appropriate size, but disgusting. It could’ve been from bat droppings, flies, mosquitoes, any number of things. To me, it didn’t matter; it was just really too disgusting for my comfort. The second night, I forgot to charge my cell phone during the hours of 10-3 when we can charge only if it’s sunny. Since the 6:45 meeting is a bit early for me still, I needed an alarm. Rather than asking someone to wake me up, I decided to sleep in the hammock up in the tree where you can see bright, vivid stars. It was windy and cold all night long. Not a good call, but I was still happy about the experience. The third night, an insect flew into my ear while I was sleeping at 2 am. Another lady here helped me drown it with saline solution, but then I was bothered by the fact that there was a dead insect in my ear. The next day was a fumbling exercise in Spanish and patience, spent going to the town clinic, waiting for it to open, hearing it was closed, deciding to go to another clinic and while waiting for the bus to take me to the other side of the island, discovering the town clinic was in fact open but not really equipped to adequately help me. The nurse looked at my ear with a dim light from her cell phone and flushed my ear with a syringe, ejecting a small, black mosquito. Still, something in my ear didn’t feel right, so she urged me on to the other clinic, where I found out that there was no insect but there was “hongo”. Fungus. I have an ear fungus.

After returning to the farm and preparing for bed that night, I wondered what the hell I was doing. I’m in the mountains. With no electricity. Sleeping outdoors. With a mosquito net that’s obviously not very effective. Freaking out about the plethora of bugs grossly outnumbering me. Really, what?

(more…)

We are a process.

Apr
20

when are you going to change?


I am a process. You are a process. We are a process. Each of us is perpetually ‘becoming’. There is no [natural] end. What doesn’t grow is dead.

Perfection is illusory, yet I strive to manifest it in the most possible way by simply being better. Sometimes, I fail. Sometimes, I succeed. Some lessons take a while to truly get and some changes take longer to implement than desired. Everything in its course as everything happens in its own time. Knowing that, however, shouldn’t negate exercising effort.

Just today, I told my cousin how I feel like a late bloomer in some ways. She said, “I don’t think you’re a late bloomer, you just have your own lessons to learn and you will. Be patient with yourself, you’ll get it in God’s time.”

I’m not who I was and at some point, I won’t be who I am now. The term “growing pains” is appropriate for so many phases in life, if not the sum of it. Growth–change–can hurt. Does hurt. But taking refuge in stagnation is no remedy.

(more…)

phoenix

Apr
05

I don’t write poetry often, but every once in a while I will. It feels a little unfinished and I might regret posting it a bit later, but I’m not a poet and such is life. The mythology of the phoenix has been on the forefront of my mind for a while now. More on that later. For now, think about this:

phoenix

i set fire to myself
and bellowed sounds of agony
burned in degrees unmeasured
as the passersby passed by
unflinching
bothered only by my position
surely this should be done out of sight
not when ripe
but convenient for the crowd

burnt skin curled up aginst itself
exposing flesh
revealing my “i’m like you”-ness
but i burned publicly
those who saw thought it a display
art or gimmick
it was neither
i just stopped where i was to light the match

(more…)

Great words…

Jan
28

Everything begins and ends with our own individual behavior.

When we are honest with our emotions, however dark they may be,
we invite others to be real and to face their own pain.
And then real transformation can occur – that’s how we are going to fix this planet.

But when we suppress, when we are fake, we send a message out to others
that they need to be fake too and hold in their truth.
This is how things will remain the same.

Today, be real. You don’t need to be anyone else but who you are.
Being honest helps the rest of us find our truth.

– Yehuda Berg